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Mon 22 Oct 12 #1 
sally906
Contributor


I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. This may be of especial interest to my international friends, who will no doubt be greatly reassured by the knowledge that we are maintaining social etiquette out here in the colonies...

In General:
• Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
• Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
• It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
• When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
• If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
• A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
• Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
• Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
• Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
• Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:
• Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
• Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:
• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
• When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #2 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Aussie Etiquette ?? Oxymoron !!


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #3 
Proofreader
Member

F U N N Y !!!


I'd like to know what are the following? Esky, stubby and ute??? (As you know, we have Ute Native Americans, but they don't necessarily have keys!!)


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #4 
Doctor Factenstein
Evil Genius

An Esky is a coolbox. It's a brand name that has become established as a generic term down there.

A stubby is a small bottle of beer.

A ute is a utility vehicle - a pick-up.


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #5 
sally906
Contributor

Oi Kev I know proper stuff - I lift my little pinkie when I swig out of my paper bagged wine bottle. And I show appreciation of a good sausage sanger by giving a mighty burp!


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #6 
Ajax
Contributor

Funny. And somewhat true, if we were all bogans. 8-/


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #7 
Proofreader
Member

OK, now I need to know "bogans." I think maybe sanger is a sandwich and a cool box is a refrigerator. I wish I had a sausage sanger in my Esky to go with this 6-pack of stubbies I'll be drinking as I drive my ute to the outback.
On second thought, maybe an Esky is a cooler, so I'll just take it along in the ute. (;


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #8 
JMK
Editor

In NZ an esky is a chilly bin. You would take it with you in the ute.


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #9 
Proofreader
Member

I like "chilly bin"!!! I will call it that at our next tailgate. Or Esky. I will sound so continental.


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #10 
Doctor Factenstein
Evil Genius

Yes, an Esky is a cooler.

A bogan? I've heard it used to mean people who're stupid, unfashionable, uncultured etc.


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Mon 22 Oct 12 #11 
sally906
Contributor

A bogan would be the similar to a red neck


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Tue 23 Oct 12 #12 
Ajax
Contributor

Bogan is a bit more than that. A bogan is completely without respect for anyone or anything.


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Tue 23 Oct 12 #13 
sally906
Contributor

True :)


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Tue 23 Oct 12 #14 
kevg
The Grumpinator

ah, like me you mean ??


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Tue 23 Oct 12 #15 
sally906
Contributor

Snigger - oh you are a class of your own young Kev!


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #16 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

love it Sally good to find an area as suave as we in West yorkshire are


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #17 
jmaxg
Contributor

Okie.....best I give my turn on this. It's basically right, but with some minor alterations:

In General:

• Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

(take a closed one. Open when given permission OR when it's obvious you don't have the job)

• Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

(use terms like "Is that you, Mum?" or "Is that you, Dad?". ANY other terms are optional)

• It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

( a decent esky/cooler/plastic-container-of-ice-and-beer cannot fit between pews anyway. If it can, it's not a decent esky)

• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

(they're called "bed-bugs". Blame the yanks, New York City and aeroplanes)

• Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

(except if the lawyer's name is "Ambulance Jack", in which case, he has a parking space for your ute and trailer)

Eating Out:

• When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

(but beware.....pouring too slowly will dissolve the cup)

• If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

(hold with two hands if alcoholic - standard procedure - those damn shakes will make you miss your mouth)

Entertaining at Home:

• A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

(but a taxidermist should be called as 'Uncle Fred' just carked it and his finger was up so he might make a good hat rack)

• Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

(Aunty Flo can't cook for crap so just make sure Rover is under the table. Then you have a ready made, crappy food disposal unit)

Personal Hygiene:

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

(GM Holden keys work well. Ford Falcon keys are always too wide)

• Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

(if you live alone, it IS a waste of money. If ya dig your own farts, you can put up with your own stink. Beware of commercial plots to the otherwise)

• Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

(NOTHING delays bathing by a few days. We are not "pommies")

• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

(if you are a woman, we don't care unless we have to suck your fingers. In which case, we will assume you are a pervert of some kind. By the way, the Australian male's toenails are exempt from this.......they can be as long, sharp, infected and yellow as they like.)

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

(no....crying babies should be dropped off BEFORE the movie ends. Or placed in the nearest available garbage receptacle OUTSIDE the building)

• Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

(except whilst on drugs. Tests have also shown they can hear you whilst on drugs)

Weddings:

• Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

(but if it's a sheep, it's a bloody good lawn mower)

• For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..

(especially if the bride's side is Collingwood and the groom's side is Carlton)

• Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

(actually, that's a pretty good tip)

Driving Etiquette:

• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

(because more than likely, the oncoming lights are a bloody tourist who's lost. On second thought, just shoot anyway. But be aware, traditionally, tourists look like roos)

• When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

(just go round and round and round until you get sick of this crap and put on an indicator)

• Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

(because I've tried it and that bloody panty hose can't seem to make up it's mind. Still, I thought the idea was good)

• When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

(that's complete crap. It's ALWAYS appropriate to get your wife to bring back beer)


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #18 
jmaxg
Contributor

Thanks sally......I had a ball.

:-)


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #19 
Proofreader
Member

Funnier and funnier! Sal and jmax, you're Australia's Jeff Foxworthy, right ?


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #20 
jmaxg
Contributor

As if I have to prove it, I make this stuff up.

But I do it because I am inspired. Sally's "bush etiquette" inspired me.

I figure that you guys, knowing me, will larf at stuff that makes me larf.

And so, I type.

Many thanks to sally again.


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #21 
sally906
Contributor

Oh jmaxg I've just about wet myself laughing at your updates.

Mind you THIS wife would tell her hubby to "bite his bum" if he told me to bring back beer - he would count his lucky stars that I didn't get lost and actually found help!


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #22 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Sally you and jmax are so sophisticated i could get you a Yorkshire visa xx


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #23 
jmaxg
Contributor

Sophisticated?

Screw that for a joke!

:-)


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Wed 24 Oct 12 #24 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Just a couple of points.
Ear cleaning ?? Bathing ?? Deodorant ??
what are these things of which you speak ??

There are people I know who go round and round on roundabouts just so they can get rid of the "chicken strip" (unused potion at edge of tyre) and I won't laugh at them.


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