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Wed 30 May 12 #1 
kevg
The Grumpinator


The Patient: kevg stoically bearing the intense pain as always
The Surgeon: Jmaxg calm and clinical, prone to screaming when alone
The Triage Nurse: Java twisting bones to see if they are broken IS fun
Cackling Cleaners: Tabbytoes and Sally906 hearts of gold, honest
Ward Sister: Southshoregirl cruel and heartless, she must be obeyed
X-ray nurses: Tazing and Ajax, cold and maddened by the rays
Security guards: Shortbread and USS Palladin vitally important that no-one smokes within a mile of the establishment
Almoner: Tallyho An angel who "sings" all day long
Volunteer firefighter and shower girl: Lucy another nutcase
Assistant surgeon: Doczane bumbling know nothing
Ward nurses: Amalia, Lindy, Caro and Knitwitty enjoy discussing patients even when patients can hear
Maintenance men: Mike Pinchen and Nemesis screwdrivers and constantly whistling
Porters: scmwns and Bowler cheerful, too cheerful
Patients in waiting room: rmcmanus Proofreader JMK (guest starring illegal alien Mimoza), Shaunt (traumatised)

Anyone I've missed, forgotten or ignored please feel free to join the queue of waitin patients, it could get very long !!!!


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Wed 30 May 12 #2 
shaunt
Contributor

Patient in waiting room: shaunt, suffering from Athazagoraphobia.


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Wed 30 May 12 #3 
kevg
The Grumpinator

thrashing about in my bed of pain I vaguely hear a nurse saying "wtf is Athazagoraphobia". Then someone said I used to know but I forgot and it all came back to me.


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Wed 30 May 12 #4 
USS Palladin
Contributor

Thrashing in pain=stoic? :-) hmmmmm.......


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Thu 31 May 12 #5 
sally906
Contributor

There is a urban myth in South Africa of a particular bed in ICU where patients inexplicably died while hooked up to a little machine that went beep! After investigation it was discovered a cleaner pulled out the machines plug to plug in her vacuum to hoover around. Patient carcked it. The cleaner had a heart of gold - honestly

I have never been to South Africa...


Well recently...


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Thu 31 May 12 #6 
Java
Factactrix

"Sir, does it hurt good or does it hurt bad?
Does it hurt when I do this?
How about this? How about here?
You're violently screaming and writhing about, Sir .......
Of course, it makes me happy to see you this way"


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Thu 31 May 12 #7 
Tazing
Contributor

Come along Ajax, lets get this stoic patient to X-ray and leave those stupid heavy jackets where they are - they are so out of fashion!


(FYI - That is so typically South African that its scary! The ingenious things that people do here far outstrip the Darwin Awards)
Here is a classic example!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=8xQ74YQyksY


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Thu 31 May 12 #8 
jmaxg
Contributor

Did you know that in Australia, surgeons are called "Mister"?

"Mr. Nick Riviera"?? Nahh.....just isn't the same.

Anyhoo, I am looking up "Athazagora-whatever" in my first class reference material.

"Medical Terms for Dummies" = no result.

"My Big Book of Stuff that Medical Type People Should Know" = Result - 1. Athazagoraphobia - A paranoid fear of being forgotten about or ignored, especially as it pertains to hospital waiting rooms.

*Dr. jmax checks the waiting room sign in log to see when shaunt was booked in....

THREE DAYS!!! Uh-oh.

*the doc barrels down to the waiting room checking his "Teeny Weeny Book on First Aid".......uh huh, got it.

*he arrives huffing and puffing...

Shaunt, ya still alive?? Okie....time for some first class treatment.

There, there. There, there. There, there.

You'll be receiving my bill shortly. No please, don't thank me. It's my job.


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Thu 31 May 12 #9 
scmwns

Good morning, sir. I'll be wheeling you up to the roof for a spot of sun and maybe just a wee bit of freefall.


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Thu 31 May 12 #10 
jmaxg
Contributor

Don't forget to bill 'im for that.

In advance.


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Thu 31 May 12 #11 
rmcmanus
Editor

Did I tell you I work in a hospital now? In the IT department.... many many many moons ago my father worked in a hospital, in the IT department. Right at the start of the summer holidays, one of the really long hot ones in the 70s when we had droughts and stuff like that, I fell off a climbing frame. My father spent several hours after that twisting my arm around to prove my wrist wasn't broken. In the end, tired of my screaming, mum made him take me to hospital, my wrist was broken and I had to stay on the beach everyday so as not to get my plaster cast wet.

Would you like me to diagnose you kev?


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Thu 31 May 12 #12 
kevg
The Grumpinator

erm, no thanks, I'll wait (and wait and wait) for the real doc thanks. no offence but if you find I need a new hard drive....................


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Thu 31 May 12 #13 
jmaxg
Contributor

Speaking of the patient.....

You still got some of them pain killers we gave to ya before I start hacking you to pieces? Can ya gimme a couple? I'm havin' a hell of a day!


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Thu 31 May 12 #14 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Pain killers ?? What pain killers ??


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Thu 31 May 12 #15 
jmaxg
Contributor

Dagnabit! The nurses sold them again???


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #16 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

we only unplug his machine tp play hospital radio bingo


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #17 
southshoregirl

Wot's going on in here, people? I see no rhyme nor reason here. Now take the patient to the waiting room until a treatment plan has been drawn up and get a Foley's hooked up so we don't have any pee on the floor like before. You! Mr. Gault! Do you have any conditions for which we should be informed? If not we will schedule you for a colonoscopy tomorrow in the morning. It is ALL routine. Nothing to worry about. Nurse.....you, the angel of mercy ....Java......sedate Mr. Gault so he can sleep. (winks knowingly) Then bring the illegal in so we can work her up. Hahahahahahahaha!


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #18 
kevg
The Grumpinator

o bugger what have I done !!


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #19 
Java
Factactrix

I should use the defibrillator on the patient to shock him back to life. But I need a snack at the same time.

"Can someone put a bag of microwave popcorn on his chest while I do this? Theatre Butter flavor please".


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #20 
Lucy
Contributor

I want 2 jobs--volunteer firefighter and shower girl. Ready for your hosedown Mr. Galt?


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #21 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

then we super cleaners will rub him down and polish his bald head


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #22 
kevg
The Grumpinator

grass doesn't grow on a busy street !!


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #23 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

hey he's talking must be feeling a bit better lets try and cheer himup.....NO NO SAL NOT LIKE THAT....GET OUTTA THE BED BEFORE SISTER COMES!


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #24 
shaunt
Contributor

Thanks for the 'there there' treatment, worked a treat, but unfortunately now my Athazagoraphobia has returned... the tension of waiting for the bill from Mister Surgeon is making me anxious as I know you guys charge HUGE interest rates if I miss the payment deadline date... you've forgot all about me haven't you???

In fact, thinking about it whilst I'm waiting, I may also be suffering from a phobia about phobia's (phobophobia)... is there a shrink in the house please??


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #25 
Proofreader
Member

Yes, I'm here, disguised as a long-suffering patient in order to rate this hospital's efficiency and to examine, surreptitiously of course, the mental condition of the staff.
So far, I have taken notes and secret videos that I'm sure you would all like to see.
Contact me in the waiting room to discuss how you will be paying me, as they say in the criminal world, "hush money." I'm the one with (fake) blood running out of my ears.


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #26 
southshoregirl

Gault, erm, MR. Gault. You are in perfect health now. Mr. jmaxg and Mr. doczane (muffled laugh) have performed some sort of sugery on you which connect your ilium to you axiom. Something like that. In any event, you will be kept here for a few days. WOT? OH! The massive incisions......the excessive surgery? Mr. GAULT! We DO have to make MONEY here! Now if you would like RECONSTRUCTIVE surgery there will be an extra charge, an extra hospital stay, and you will become addicted to narcotics, of course, after which you will have to enter our VERY expensive detox program. But , SIR, I AM Very Very Busy and I have to attend to Mimoza who has a hangnail and a tiny spider vein and I have to clear out the free patient services area. NURSE JAVA, GIVE KEVIN A SEDATIVE!


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #27 
sally906
Contributor

Time for a needle - I do enjoy needles - Mr Kev do you want this itsy bitsy needle or the man sized one?

Oh you do have big muscles don't you? OK a super giant Gorilla sized one for you - 10 inches and not a bit of rust left on it - cleaned it with some red fluid left lying on the floor over there.

Blood Nurse Tabby? No I don't think so - no medical person in this hospital would leave blood lying around.

Jmaxg did a dismemberment earlier? But surely the cleaners.....

No of course the cleaners didn't I remember now we're...ummmm...they're posing as medical staff.

Ok Nurse Tabby roll 'im over it's needle time....


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Fri 1 Jun 12 #28 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

my pleasure Sister Sally [cackle cackle]


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Sat 2 Jun 12 #29 
southshoregirl

(Good work, ladies! Keep him knocked out! We don't need him making any noise, do we? Have you gone through his personal effects for any items of value?)


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Sat 2 Jun 12 #30 
kevg
The Grumpinator

ahem, the ambulance men had all me valuables, said they were going to check them in ?? a possibility they forgot, fighting off that mad illegal desperate for drugs.
Those cleaners are nice girls aren't they, I didn't know cleaners were allowed to do that !!!


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #31 
Lucy
Contributor

Kev--I'm not a nutcase,I'm a smart cookie. The only way I would give you a shower is from a distance with a firehose.


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #32 
southshoregirl

Lucy, please take Mr. Shaunt into the shower room and hose him down with coolish water, please? He will need a good shave down, too. ALL OVER! Now if you don't want to shave him get some of those lazy ward nurses to do it. Tell them to be sure to rinse all the soap off him before the shave.. We want a nice burn going so we can bill insurance for a derm issue, too. COME ON, PEOPLE! LET'S MOVE IT! OFF YOUR DUFFS! JAVA! Please help me get these slackers busy and Tabby and Sally are NOT allowed to cliimb into bed with patients! I want to see them in my "office" LOL Hahahaha! They will learn the rules, too!!!!!!


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #33 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

a whole country away......excuse us now kev we cleaners are having a day off to move in with the ambulance men


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #34 
Lucy
Contributor

I only give showers,don't want to touch. Maybe the cleaners,after their day off could be persuaded to WAX Mr. Shaunt!!


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #35 
sally906
Contributor

Sorry the cleaners are busy counting the money and playing with the firemen's hoses :)


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #36 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

and i'm on laughin gas!....sally has attracted a fireman with a long extention


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #37 
soupy
Member

comon guys i've worked at hospital for the last 22 yrs i know a little bit about them and you all are right on


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #38 
Duncan Disorderly
Member

Just in case things go wrong and you need somebody to perform an autopsy then I'm your man - thats if the rest of the court case goes OK. They asked me some damn hard questions - here's a few examples :-

Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: Around 8.30pm.
Q: And was the patient dead at the time?
A: If not, he was by the time I'd finished.
Q: Did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Is it posible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.

I think I should get off this time so give me a shout if you need me!


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #39 
Proofreader
Member

Attention: As the resident (but still undercover) psychiatrist, I have a suggestion for this obviously demented staff....let's have group therapy at the bar around the corner. Free drinks for 50 minutes, 10 minute break for me, and then you are on your own. Health insurance should cover it because I will certify each of you as bonkers....for example, Sally-- nymphomaniac; jmaxg --severe curmudgeonicity; Shaunt and Lucy -- paranoid (a perfect couple ); Kev -- hypochondriac ( there were NO heart attacks, just acid reflux); SSG and Java -- possible sadists; Tabby -- hysteric (note uncontrollable giggles); and, sad to say, Duncan D.-- necrophiliac. Soupy so far seems normal, so she will bring the party hats.


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #40 
southshoregirl

I think Proof, soupy and Duncan anre all fine but here's the thinhg! It was stated in the beginning that I AM IN CHARGE! Tabby and Sally are ion report for being TRAMPS! You filthy little hussies! Lucy! You are derelict in your duties. You were told to hose him down. Now WHO IS GOING TO SHAVE SHAUNT??????? Soupy! You are a new hire. Get your razor and start to shave shaunt. don't worry about razor burns. Duncan.....can you see if kev or anyone else has croaked under our (haha) care? We will take things from here. I must say I am appalled at the lack of discipline in this institution. JAVA! Please help here?? They need your whip and defibibrillator. Oooooh, I am getting so angry! And Snaunt is still unwashed. Those lazy ward nursed don't do anything. They need a boot in he ass!


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Sun 3 Jun 12 #41 
southshoregirl

ANYONE who does what they are supposed to do will be given a signed prescription pad by the surgeons!


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Mon 4 Jun 12 #42 
shaunt
Contributor

Oh heck, washed, waxed and shaved! I only came to this hospital for someone to take care of my in-growing toe nail! But it looks like I am gonna leave without any hair... there must be a phobia about that... Mr Proofreader, I NEED YOUR HELP!!! And maybe a bodyguard or three...


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Mon 4 Jun 12 #43 
Tazing
Contributor

Signed prescription pad! Count me in! At your service Ward Sister! I propose that we pluck each individual hair out of Shaunt instead of that pesky waxing. That way we can get a specialist in and charge even more and charge for multiple procedures (each hair removal is considered a procedure) mwahahahha! Anybody needed an x-rays?! Its more fun that jumping barebottomed onto the photocopier!!

Oh really ..... is that the real reason Mr Gault is here? Cracked (excuse the pun) the glass when he jumped onto it you say? Dear me!


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Mon 4 Jun 12 #44 
shaunt
Contributor

Haha 'Its more fun than jumping barebottomed onto the photocopier!!' perked me up no end Tazing... Very good :)

Anyway, have I been forgotten... or is it just me?


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Mon 4 Jun 12 #45 
Proofreader
Member

There, there, Mr. Shaunt, you are no doubt feeling extra vulnerable with all your hair removed. (You do look a bit like a newborn.) Never fear, I will provide any psychiatric care you may need. Perhaps a visit with Mr. Gault would help.....you think YOU have problems? He makes you look like a Sunday School picnic!!!!


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Mon 4 Jun 12 #46 
southshoregirl

Heh! A sadist PERHAPS! Hmmmm. I had better think of some very special things for the shrink !!!!!!


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Tue 5 Jun 12 #47 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Be nice people, I'm not well you know !!


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Tue 5 Jun 12 #48 
Java
Factactrix

Definitely not a sadist. But a Dominatrix with a heart. Well part of one .... I took it out of the patient's chest.

Oooh, oooh! A emergency entrant with a broken tibia, dislocated shoulder and cracked clavicle! He'll have to hold my full cup of McDonalds coffee while I realign the tibia and reset the shoulder. Nothing like a little compression on that clavicle.

"Sir, I'm your triage nurse Java. Now tell me does it hurt bad or does it hurt good?
There is no 'safe' word sir. You're in an emergency room."

"No, I'm not smiling Sir."


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Tue 5 Jun 12 #49 
southshoregirl

Java, you know I would have loved to have had a bit of that heart. I don't have one of my own, you know. Do you need any help realigning that blokes bones? If not I'll stir up a big batch of plaster. No need to consult a orthopedist, is there? Perhaps we should get a podiatrist in here and a dermatologist. Pall could drop by for good measure or that fleabag doczane but keep those nymphomaniacs, sally and Tabby, away from this guy. LOL This one is a cash cow! What's his name? Do we care? Sedate him! Caro? How many people have you sedated today? All of the ward nurses! Shave job!!!!!

I need an accounting for the missing Haldol and why everyone is so relaxed and sleepy today.


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Wed 6 Jun 12 #50 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

nymphomaniacs! indeed we are simply two kindly ladies offering comfort to a poor old man


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Wed 6 Jun 12 #51 
southshoregirl

Hahahaha! Ladies? Ladies? You are behaving like alley cats! When you were hired as CLEANERS you gave in references which stated that you were clean and honest. YOU WERE CAUGHT IN A PATIENT'S BED! You will report to Java and she will decide your PUNISHMENT! Until she decides get a bucket of hot water and soap and start cleaning the surgical suite. Someone just mangled a patient in there but that's of no concern to you. YOU ARE ON WARNING!!


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Wed 6 Jun 12 #52 
southshoregirl

(Shouting into waiting room) Where's that patient who's been waiting for three days while we've been watching the Jubilee, I mean, while we have been ratcheting the jubitee to the rubiwee.


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Wed 6 Jun 12 #53 
sally906
Contributor

Does nymphomaniac mean misunderstood extremely friendly lady who is only trying to keep a gentlemans pecker...errr...spirits up?

Kev is not well - you heard him - there there Kev, Tabby and I will make you feel all better - just beeeend over......


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Thu 7 Jun 12 #54 
southshoregirl

sally, you are fired for now. You may be reinstated but your behavior is disgraceful! MERCY! Leave and take that Tabbycat with you. OUT!

I need help from security. How about Proofreader and Ajax, two women with impeccable miinds and judgment. I promise you each precriptions for what ever you need.....blank script pads. I need these nuts, Tabby and sally, treated for oversexedness. I wonder if there are any men in the men's psych ward who could "do" them until they have learned their lesson. What's that? No, the HIV staus is irrelevant. Do check for toenail fungus.

Scmwns, are you available to monitor Java? I think she's a bit harsh. I mean, it is necessary to inflict pain but I think she enjoys it TOO much! I just want you to spy on her, ok?

LINE UP FOR MEDICATION DESPENSING!


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Thu 7 Jun 12 #55 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

SACK US! HU! .we are members of tough strong union British Union of Moppers @ Scrubbers [B.U.M.S]...do not upset us at your peril!!


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Thu 7 Jun 12 #56 
Proofreader
Member

Isn't security supposed to be handled by Shortbread and Palladin? Step up, boys!
I would tread lightly with the B.U.M.S., Ward Sister SSG.....they are known for their sharp claws and even sharper tongues.....they would report your prescription fraud in a heartbeat and giggle triumphantly as they woman-handled another patient.....let's see if we can find a middle ground here with some therapy and a good red wine. 5:00 P.M. In the Morgue...it's conveniently quiet there.


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Thu 7 Jun 12 #57 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

we'll be there proofie nibbles are in one ofthe freezers !...we could wheel old mr Gault down to join us but that may make him nervous!


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Thu 7 Jun 12 #58 
Proofreader
Member

I think Mr. Gault should join us...he would lend an air of gravitas combined with hypochondria to remind the participants about our mission in this abattoir. Plus he obviously appreciates you Funcats.
Could you ask Dr. Disorderly to supply some background music for us? Ask for something upbeat in case the surgeons want to dance.


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Fri 8 Jun 12 #59 
kevg
The Grumpinator

I've been in lots of hospitals but this takes the biscuit !!


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Fri 8 Jun 12 #60 
JMK
Editor

Biscuit? Who said you could have a biscuit?


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Fri 8 Jun 12 #61 
southshoregirl

Hahahahahahahaha! Who slipped me a mickey? Hahahahahhaha! Those BUMS!


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Fri 8 Jun 12 #62 
Proofreader
Member

Biscuits? Mickeys? Nibbles? Where is the nutritionist?


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Sat 9 Jun 12 #63 
southshoregirl

Those cats drink blood, Proofre......! Hey! Proofie! You like that! Why you are ebil. Ebil ebil. don eat boddys. don eat kevvie. Nooooo. help. help. JMK, they is ghoulcats.


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Sat 9 Jun 12 #64 
sally906
Contributor

Vampires drink blood, ghouls are dead - Cats open a good bottle of wine sit back and look at the unused cleaning equipment.

Only biscuits we nibble are the ones with cheese on them.

We need stamina before we go find Kev and give him his shot!


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Tue 12 Jun 12 #65 
Mimoza
Member

illegal alien ahem ok do I get any treatment in here ???????


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Tue 12 Jun 12 #66 
kevg
The Grumpinator

it's all free Mims, get what you like !!


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Sun 17 Jun 12 #67 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Help me, I'm dying !! Does nobody care !!


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Sun 17 Jun 12 #68 
Proofreader
Member

Of course we do. We have been very busy anwering questions ..... from the police. They are asking about your treatment, and I have had to tell them that you have rejected therapy from the hospital staff. TV, radio and newspapers have gotten wind of this and will soon be here to interview you. Be ready with your reasons.


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Sun 17 Jun 12 #69 
sally906
Contributor

No you're not dying Kev - only the good die young and you surely don't expect us to believe you're good?

You're a very bad boy, Tabby where's that needle? Someone needs the SPECIAL treatment. Come on every one gather round there are nibbles and wine for after the administration of the giant needle. Even Kev can have some. A little wine for thy hearts sake and all that


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Wed 20 Jun 12 #70 
southshoregirl

Put it directly into his heart this time....maybe it will clear the crud out of his cruddy arteries. Oi! Start him on a thin gruel diet. (If he wakes up)


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Wed 20 Jun 12 #71 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

must point out he is also a little depressed as we keep interupting his football with dvds of old soaps


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Thu 21 Jun 12 #72 
southshoregirl

It is good to toughen him up though. Erm, maybe if you and Sally want to nestle in bed with him ....only for his state of mind...it would be beneficial.


(I won't tell them about the cameras I've set up! Hee hee!)


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Mon 25 Jun 12 #73 
shaunt
Contributor

Erm, hello? Is there anybody there?

You really have forgot about me haven't you... hello?


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Mon 25 Jun 12 #74 
Proofreader
Member

Hmmm...I see your hair has started to grow back. Good sign. You have not been forgotten; those who are in the waiting room must be patient. I am here to diagnose any psychiatric disorders. You seem to have one. As a stopgap measure, let's watch Wimbledon.


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Tue 26 Jun 12 #75 
Ajax
Contributor

Sorry I'm late, hectic night at the pub.

So, you've been in the waiting room for 3 days with a heart attack? You're still alive, so it wasn't a heart attack. Begone!


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #76 
southshoregirl

Good work, clearing these pi----erm, patients out quickly. Treat and release. What channel is the tennis on!


(Or we could watch the secret films I have of Sally and Tabby in bed with Kevin?)


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #77 
kevg
The Grumpinator

I want royalties !!


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #78 
Ajax
Contributor

You're stuck with commoners.


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #79 
sally906
Contributor

Oi who you calling common!


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #80 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

we were in bed eating hard boiled eggs [we keep the salt in Kevs belly button]....not in a common way of course!


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #81 
Lucy
Contributor

Sorry I've been gone--spending time at the dentist with a root canal.I bit into my toast and a front tooth fell out. Do we have a dentist in the house? I think one of you put a hex on me.


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Wed 27 Jun 12 #82 
Proofreader
Member

There, there, Lucy...never fear, we have our brilliant Dr. Factenstein at the ready. He can provide a new tooth AND consult with you about the hex. He is a multitalented fellow who solves problems using ancient wizardry in his sterile hut just down the hall. Come with me.


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Thu 28 Jun 12 #83 
kevg
The Grumpinator

watch out for the pliers !!


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Thu 28 Jun 12 #84 
southshoregirl

(Do we do teeth?) Hey, Tabby, that is a wonderful place to keep the salt! Hee hee! Kev, how do you like the girls? You will get NO royalties and we are filming the whole thing. Now, what will I do next. Hmmm, oh, Loooooooothy! Come here, please! I have some sedation for you before you see the Doctor!

(Tabby, have you had a problem with, well, um, you know, um, gas?)


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Thu 28 Jun 12 #85 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

NO! the only old fart in here is the ward sister


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Thu 28 Jun 12 #86 
Ajax
Contributor

I'm feeling a little queasy.


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Thu 28 Jun 12 #87 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Little Queasy only called in for some pills!


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Fri 29 Jun 12 #88 
sally906
Contributor

It's not the ward sister- it is the homemade knock out gas I have been silently producing - I'm planning on world domination by deadly gas attack - today the hospital tomorrow the world Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Pass the salt please tabby - stop wiggling Kev!!!


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Mon 2 Jul 12 #89 
southshoregirl

(Stop. I am laughing too hard!) Listen, open the window in here! It smells like the devil himself! Wot's going on? Who's in there and let me see the vic-erm-patient's chart. (looking over chart) Well, look here. Why didn't the dietician put this man on beans and fried onions as I ordered? Don't you old bags look after anything? Now see to it or I will heat up my cross and brand your foreheads with it while it's turned upside down. OPEN THE WINDOWS! Mr. Gault? Mr. Gault, are they bothering you? We are short of blankets so I had them come in to help keep you warm. I do hope everything is alright. You are doing well. yes, well.


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Sat 21 Jul 12 #90 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Lucy has now had all her teeth out and gas stove put in !


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Sun 22 Jul 12 #91 
kevg
The Grumpinator

gas stove in Lucy's mouth ?? are you mad !! she'll burn the pies !!


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Sun 29 Jul 12 #92 
southshoregirl

What are you planning to cook in Lucy's poor mouth? Let her be and go to the kitchen. Get out of bed you sot! Tabby! Out! There is enough cat hair in there to stuff a mattress! We told you no leg shaving in there. Sheesh! Out! The two of you! I have to have housekeeping in here to clean this mess up!


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Sun 29 Jul 12 #93 
Lucy
Contributor

I haven't checked -in here for a while. What are you putting in my mouth,besides words?


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Mon 30 Jul 12 #94 
southshoregirl

Where have you been? Get busy cleaning the salt and eggshells out of Gault's bed please. Beware of cat poo, also. Thank you. Need drugs?


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Mon 30 Jul 12 #95 
Lucy
Contributor

I told my daughter,all I want for my birthday is a sugar-free marijuana brownie. Will take orders. She has a friend who makes them. It's the "pits" getting old. Actually I qualify for a medical marijuana card.
Clean your own bed Kev,I'm older than you are.


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Mon 30 Jul 12 #96 
Ajax
Contributor

I need drugs before I touch any of these patients.


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Thu 2 Aug 12 #97 
Lucy
Contributor

The weekend is upon us. Are we going to let Kev out so he can watch Kristian run?


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Thu 2 Aug 12 #98 
JMK
Editor

Prop him up in the corner of the day room and let him watch it on the telly if he promises to be good, a hard ask I know.


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Fri 3 Aug 12 #99 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Oi !! I can still hear stuff you know !!


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Fri 3 Aug 12 #100 
Ajax
Contributor

The family wheeled kev into the corner, in his wheelchair, where the activities for the Olympics were taking place. kev couldn't speak very well, but he could write notes when he needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, kev started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed him, straightened him up, and stuffed pillows on his right.

A short time later, he started leaning off to his left, so again the family grabbed him and stuffed pillows on his left.

Soon he started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed him, then tied a pillowcase around his waist to hold him up.

A kid who arrived late came running up to kev and said, "Hi old dude, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

kev took out his little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the kid, "They won't let me fart."


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Fri 3 Aug 12 #101 
southshoregirl

Hahahaha! Well, no! He's not allowed to do that! And I want him sedated heavily a half hour before Kristian is supposed to run. I know he is to run on the 4th, Any anyone know what time?


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Fri 3 Aug 12 #102 
southshoregirl

I think we all need to go to the drug room. Why should the sick people have all the fun?


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Fri 3 Aug 12 #103 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Those of you who I allow to know me (only slightly I admit) will know that I don't fart !! Nor do I snore !! I have no bad habits whatsoever, apart from ripping off kittens heads.


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Sun 5 Aug 12 #104 
southshoregirl

According to the American Medica Associatiotion the average human farts 13 times a day. I think you are probably pretty average. At least I think you are average. Maybe a bit lower. Kitten heads? What's wrong with that?


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Sun 5 Aug 12 #105 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

ill giveyou kittens....a gang of tabby trained tigers is coming to get you ......he he i'll get you and your little dog!......cackle!


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Sun 5 Aug 12 #106 
southshoregirl

WOT? !! YOU ARE COMING AFTER ME? You are a silly little cat. Who is the father of those kittens? You are going to attack me and my TWO dogs whilst you have kittens hanging off your teats? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! AAAAAA Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You are hilarious! We will eat you up so quickly! We will wear gloves to pick you up with, too, and drop you into cat crates and take you to the POUND! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Silly Cat! We will ambush you easily! You ain't no tiger! Hahahahahahaha! Oh, Hahaha! You were talking to Keving! So much the better! We will help him out! YeeeeeHaw!


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Sun 5 Aug 12 #107 
southshoregirl

Ajax, we need your incredible mind to help with a heinous plan here. Please read it and I am certain you will come up with something brilliant to squash the Tabbycat! She is too boisterous and aggressive. I've shown her nothing but kindness.....even when she and Sally were caught eating hardboil eggs in Kevin's bed, keeping the salt in their bellybuttons! OMG! I am embarassed to even tell you such people play here! AJAX! HELP!


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #108 
Ajax
Contributor

Run for your lives! I'm throwing a grenade in!


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #109 
southshoregirl

I'm running! Great idea! Go for it, Ajax! Run for your life!



(We should get Kev out and be cetain Proof isn't in there. She helps out sometimes. )


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #110 
Proofreader
Member

I've got Kev and Shaunt on gurneys at McDonald's for lunch....they are gagging and I NEED HELP...BRING BUCKETS!!!!


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #111 
southshoregirl

Oh, sheesh! Just dump them on the counter in McDonald's and RUN, PROOF!


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #112 
Proofreader
Member

Remember, I am a psychiatrist, and I can't desert my patients, no matter how weird they are. However, they are getting very testy and slimy...please send Tabby and Sally. Tell them I'll buy them a Big Mac.


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #113 
southshoregirl

(GREAT idea, Proofie and tell those old crows they can have all the hard boiled eggs they want! Come on! We have to get going. Your duties end when your own life in endangered! RUN!) OK, I will look for them....Her kitty, kitty, kitty! Nummie, nummie!


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Mon 6 Aug 12 #114 
southshoregirl

BTW....Why are they puking?


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Tue 7 Aug 12 #115 
Proofreader
Member

French fry overdose.


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Tue 7 Aug 12 #116 
kevg
The Grumpinator

you can never overdose on chips !! french fries indeed !!!!!!


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Tue 7 Aug 12 #117 
sally906
Contributor

I don't come to kitty kitty kitty - I don't get out of my basket for less than a bacon butty and a bottle of red.

I agree with young Kev there - cant overdose on chippies!


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Tue 7 Aug 12 #118 
southshoregirl

A BACON BUTTY! Do you have any idea what your aorta looks like? LOL We'lljust leave you alone to think about that for awhile! Hahahahahahaah!


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Mon 13 Aug 12 #119 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

we have both got big macs for the weather kev dived into his suave wardrobe and lent us each a field officers trenchcoat from world war 1


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Mon 13 Aug 12 #120 
southshoregirl

Oh, I want one! A trenchcoat, not the Big Mac!


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Mon 13 Aug 12 #121 
sally906
Contributor

The cooks up at our local hospital went on strike for a day a few years back - and my girl friend who works in the childrens ward was sent out to pick up a huge order of macdonalds for the kids for lunch. Was a huge outrage and volunteers went in to cook a "decent" meal for the kiddies that night.


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Tue 14 Aug 12 #122 
Ajax
Contributor

Outrageous. Starve the little buggers!

One meal. Even my kid gets Hungry Jacks for a treat now and then.

I loathe Maccas, but I know that hospital food is far from appetising for a kiddie. They probably hadn't eaten a full meal since admission.


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Tue 14 Aug 12 #123 
southshoregirl

I would rather eat paper than McDonalds! God that stuff is awful! I haven't eaten fast food in ten years. I would eat it only if force fed to stave off starvation.


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Tue 14 Aug 12 #124 
Doctor Factenstein
Evil Genius

The lowest grade of meat saleable to humans?

Can I remind you of what I've just said about defamatory remarks without any substantiation? Thanks.


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Wed 15 Aug 12 #125 
southshoregirl

There are different grades of meat, Doctor. Prime, Choice, Good, Cutter, Canner, etc. At one point in my life I knew them all! Talk about trivia! And there is a miniimal stardard for human consumption IN THE US! I have no idea what it is elsewhere. Here it is "good". Enjoy! If you'd like a really great steak drop by for a well-marbled club steak, barely grilled, eaten with great gusto and gotten from my hole in the wall German butcher in town. That's MEAT! That's PRIME!


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Wed 15 Aug 12 #126 
Ajax
Contributor

In Australia they use premium lean mince, but a hamburger should be made with fatty mince for flavour and moisture. You can try making it yourself at home and it will taste like cardboard if you use top grade lean mince.


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Wed 15 Aug 12 #127 
southshoregirl

Yes, you are so correct. I saw a show where this diner used to grind half beef with half bacon! It must be terribly bad for your arteries but the people eating it loved it! When I grill I used ground chuck. It has more fat but if it is top grade meat it still tastes very fine. I just don't eat meat that often. We have it perhaps 2 or 3 times a week. I guess we are not typical Americans. I prefer fish.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #128 
Ajax
Contributor

My grandmother used to ask the butcher to put extra fat in her roasts. Killed her at age 101. I believe that genetics has a fair bit to do with your ability to process fatty meats. I don't eat meat unless it tastes good, and of course it must be happy meat - free range at least.


Anyway, I thought I razed this bloody hospital.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #129 
soupy
Member

BACON GIVE ME BACON I LUV BACON!!!


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #130 
Ajax
Contributor

My daughter hates bacon. I look at her and shake my head. I don't know what's up with her.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #131 
soupy
Member

somethin wrong with her taste buds


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #132 
Ajax
Contributor

Yes. Something very very wrong.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #133 
soupy
Member

oh well at least she won't succomb to hi cholesterol i already have to take pravastatin go figure!


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #134 
Ajax
Contributor

Hope not. She's only 7.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #135 
soupy
Member

oh lord ajax let me apoogize i thought we were talking about a teen or young adult mybad


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #136 
Ajax
Contributor

Don't be silly. :D


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #137 
Ajax
Contributor

Take that down. People will spam you.


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #138 
soupy
Member

sorry my stupidity i deleted it


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Thu 16 Aug 12 #139 
kevg
The Grumpinator

Chloresterol is bad, too much fat is bad. Unfortunately I know this from experience. Having said that my twin brother eats and drinks same as I and has had no health problems, apart from insanity. He'll fit in well with you lot if I let him play.


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Fri 17 Aug 12 #140 
Proofreader
Member

We would welcome him to our hospital crowd -- and give him bacon & intensive therapy. Is he left-handed?


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Mon 20 Aug 12 #141 
southshoregirl

I think you have the key to the cholesterol problem, Proofie! Eat fatty foods ONLY with your left hand and your cholesterol is never going up! Rashers of bacon all around! Yay!


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Mon 20 Aug 12 #142 
Proofreader
Member

(: Sounds like a plan!! Bring him on, Kev!!


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Wed 22 Aug 12 #143 
southshoregirl

Yay! Two Kevs! Sort of. Kevs brother doesn't like me.


Not that kev does.


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