Wed 8 Feb 12
The New British Navy
Britain's New Navy...
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them
HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named:
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hrs per week in line withBrussels Health & Safety rules. This will apply even in wartime!
All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, these will be situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water, supplied by the French..
Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the
Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."
His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
God Save Us All
Knows 40110 facts
Sat 11 Feb 12
Look numskull, just because Australia has made gender integration full and permanent, that women can serve on board submarines and take positions in offensive units like infantry platoons and special forces, it doesn't mean we need to be poked fun at.
Well, except for wedding dresses in camouflage. And maybe how weird it looks when a feminine hygiene truck turns up when a submarine docks.
Then there is what happens at a listening post during that "time of the month"....
"Ok Gloria. I'm here to relieve your post. What the...!!!???"
Gloria: "Don't say a f*&^cking word!"
John: "There are currently 3 foxes and 2 dingoes surrounding you and I know it ain't me."
Gloria: "If you see them follow me, shoot 'em."
John: "I feel for ya bro.....err, sis......whatever."
Knows 33692 facts