New Subject - Paraprosdokians
The word 'Paraprosdokian' is a neologism. While not yet an official dictionary listing it is mentioned in Merriam Webster ("words we're watching") and Urban Dictionary defines it as "The term for a figure of speech in which a sentence or phrase has an unexpected or surprising ending. Often used for humorous effect and thus heavily used by comedians."
According to Wikipedia, the word is derived from the Greek παρά (against) and προσδοκία (expectation) and dates from the late 20th century.
Billy Connolly -- "A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand."
Billy Connolly -- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Bill Hicks -- "I sleep 8 hours a day. And at least 10 at night."
Demetri Martin -- "I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Dorothy Parker -- "If all the attending were laid end to end I wouldn't be at all surprised." -- Referring to a Yale prom.
Eddie Izzard -- "They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them."
Emo Phillips -- "I like going to the park and watching the children run around screaming, because they don't know I'm using blanks."
Frankie Boyle -- "I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?"
George Bernard Shaw -- "Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same."
George Carlin -- “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
Henny Youngman -- "Take my wife - please!" -- This classic one-liner came about as a result of a stagehand misinterpreting Youngman's request to escort his wife to a seat during a show.
Mae West -- I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Milton Jones -- "If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Milton Jones -- I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
Milton Jones -- My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Mitch Hedberg -- "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
Mitch Hedberg -- "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Richard Pryor -- "I'd like to be able to make you laugh for 10 minutes though I'm going to be on for an hour."
Sean Lock -- "I hear voices, but I ignore them and carry on killing."
Stephen Colbert -- "If I am reading this graph correctly - I would be very surprised."
Stephen Colbert -- "Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words."
Steve Martin -- "I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
Steven Wright -- "Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect."
Steven Wright -- "If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving definitely isn't for you."
Steven Wright -- "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes"
Steven Wright -- "On the other hand, you have different fingers."
Stewart Francis -- "Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me."
Will Rogers -- "I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat."
Winston Churchill -- "If you are going through hell, keep going."
Winston Churchill -- "You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing...after they have tried everything else." -- Possibly a paraphrase from Israeli politician Abba Eban.
Zach Galifianakis -- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor -- "I am a marvellous house-keeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor -- "A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."
I thought the way the questions could be framed in a similar way to those in Insults or Quotations
This is my first attempt at a whole subject. Hope it's OK