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Sat 3 Sep 16 #1 
jmaxg
Contributor


TABBYTOES will be your mistress.

jmaxg will be the barman.

Mentors will be expected to appear.

Ladies and gentlemen, our site is your site.

Drop your fear and come in to talk.

Or get drunk.

Or both.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #2 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Rum and coke for me......make it a double




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #3 
jmaxg
Contributor

*huff puff....

Hey TabbyT, slabs of Victoria Bitter are really heavy! But I got them in the fridge.

As for the new keg, you picked a guy that knows how to tap a keg. Well done.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #4 
jmaxg
Contributor

One sugar stick and cocaine.....voila!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #5 
jmaxg
Contributor

Don't know about New Zealand, but we in Oz loved rum "overproof".

It was rare, but Bundeberg did it best.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #6 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

I prefer Coruba rum and if i have a beer i like a Carona




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #7 
jmaxg
Contributor

Went to a drive in movie with my great mate Allan on his Suzi  two-stroke motorcycle and a 750 ml bottle of red label Bundy (150 proof).

We laid down our (Australian military surplus) great-coats, watched the movie, and got really drunk.

Why we didn't get kicked out is beyond my understanding.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #8 
jmaxg
Contributor

That's Corona hun, not Carona.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #9 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

oops maybe i need to go have one lol




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #10 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

how you both managed to get home on a motorbike would have been interesting lol




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #11 
jmaxg
Contributor

I remember one fall, but the suzi remained intact.

I think Allan and I took a moment which could have been three hours.

But we got home.

Anyway, what we did is not recommended.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #12 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Bar mistress.....noother kind (unless I get a decent offer!!!)

 




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #13 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

its ok the barman tapping barrels but who decided I would bring themin fromthe brewert cart......we need some efficient and sympathetic barmaids any applicants ? plus some entertaining acts !!

 




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #14 
jmaxg
Contributor

I think Helen would be a great choice as a drink shifter.

 




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #15 
jmaxg
Contributor

As for moving the kegs, all ya got is me at the moment.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #16 
jmaxg
Contributor

By the way, everybody, welcome our bar mistress (by that I mean manager).....

The lovely and incomparable TABBYTOES!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #17 
jmaxg
Contributor

yay!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #18 
jmaxg
Contributor

*clap, clap




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #19 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Yay!! im clapping and would love the position of barmaid.....bring on the orders




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #20 
jmaxg
Contributor

TabbyT, these cockroaches are really big. I thought you arranged for an exterminator?

Ok, THAT guy needs a saddle.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #21 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Ride em cowboy!!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #22 
jmaxg
Contributor

You are ELECTED!

At the moment, the bar is a little deserted.  But be ready.

And by the way, the cockroach with the saddle on top?  His name is Tinfoil.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #23 
jmaxg
Contributor

As in Hi Ho Tinfoil, Awaayyyyyy!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #24 
jmaxg
Contributor

As for our mistress, I think she has fallen asleep.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #25 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Giddy-up




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #26 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Well as the bar is not rockin ill have another rum, and one for you jmaxg??




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #27 
jmaxg
Contributor

While we wait, tell us of Helen of McKenzie, what drew you to our humble site?




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #28 
jmaxg
Contributor

And yes, thank you......more rum than coke if you please.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #29 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Here is your drink.....I was introduced to this wonderful world of quizzes by another Facta member




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #30 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

going to have dinner now lol




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #31 
jmaxg
Contributor

Ah....my story is more boring.

My wife (Java) promised to beat the crap outta me if I didn't play along and visit her newly found site.  So I did, in fear of my life.

As it turned out, the site was free and very cool.

I mean my kind of cool. No effort, no drama, no asks.....just, sorta, hang around.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #32 
jmaxg
Contributor

Go have your dinner and come back when you can.

The barman will please himself.

Greatly...........hic!




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #33 
jmaxg
Contributor

For new members, if you are wondering, then just take a seat.

The whole point of this if for you guys to feel comfortable and accepted.

The Mistress of the whole thing is TABBYTOES - A proud Yorkshire gal.

Your barman is jmaxg - an Australian who lives with his lovely American wife (Java) in Detroit, Michigan, US.

Your barmaid is Helen McKenzie - a former Englander now living in New Zealand.

We were all once new Factacular members so we know what it must be like.

What we ask of you is to drop the guard and come in and join us and have a poke, have a talk, partake in a discussion, CREATE a discussion, or just come in, sit down and watch what happens.

OUR job is to point out what we are. A part of a great site.

YOUR job, when you are ready, is to get up and decide if you want to be part of a great site.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #34 
jmaxg
Contributor

Thirty three posts......and we just got started.

Madam TABBYTOES and Helen McKenzie, take a bow.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #35 
jmaxg
Contributor

I maybe going to sleep now, but Helen can make a hell of a drink.

And TABBYTOES is the best mistress we have ever seen.

New members? Just show up.

It might take 8 or so hours, but us members WILL show up.




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #36 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

jmaxg will be interviewing barmaids over next few days (watch it or wife will certainly beat you up )  I shallme seeking young male glass collectors with neat little Butts (Bums to the English)




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Sat 3 Sep 16 #37 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Come on helen we must have a last double gin then see to some customers xx




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Sun 4 Sep 16 #38 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

mix my drinks.....a double gin sounds good Tabby and about those male glass collectors apart from neat little butts i think they should be topless with stunning abs.




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Sun 4 Sep 16 #39 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

good suggestion you are a woman of taste we will interview them personally xx

 




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Sun 4 Sep 16 #40 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Awesome, every bar needs eye candy....apart from the mistress and barmaid lol




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Mon 5 Sep 16 #41 
killerb54
Member

Soooo...is this an free open bar? 

Yes? Then I'll just take that bottle of 18 year Macallan over there thanks. 




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Mon 5 Sep 16 #42 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

You may take that bottle over there providing you share it with the mistress and barmaid




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Mon 5 Sep 16 #43 
killerb54
Member

I think I'll just be taking it up to my room, thank you




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Tue 6 Sep 16 #44 
jmaxg
Contributor

Aw, c'mon kb54, you've been around for ages!

But then again, we haven't done one of these for ages.




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Tue 6 Sep 16 #45 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmaxg notices beer spilled behind the bar and is disgusted.

Pauses to see if anybody is watching.....

Disappears behind the bar.......suction noises are heard.*

WHAT? It's my dustbuster, "wetvac" version!

*wipes dripping beer from chin.




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Tue 6 Sep 16 #46 
jmaxg
Contributor

Is this post on the Home Page?  If not it should be.




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Tue 6 Sep 16 #47 
chooky
Contributor

What's going on in here??




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #48 
sally906
Contributor

Booze appears to be going on here - just don't go behind the bar - a might slippery back there!

I need a drink - youngest daughter has announced her imminent arrival - never a pleasant experience.




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #49 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Drinks are on the house for Sally!!




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #50 
sally906
Contributor

Hic!




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #51 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Hic....hic....as i fall off bar stool




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #52 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Large vat of our best red wine for Sallys table .....yes of course Tabby and helen will accept your coming invitation  to join you !

 




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #53 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

also the brave Helen hid under Killers bed and re possessed his bottle !




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Wed 7 Sep 16 #54 
chooky
Contributor

I can cope with a slippery bar, Sally. It's been a while but I reckon I could still handle that and a roomful of rowdy patrons and even the odd grabby gentleman who's in his cups.

(Glad my husband isn't likely to read this.  He's been at the Laphroaig's and might get ideas)




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #55 
killerb54
Member

Someone puked in the urinal again - who is the janitor around here




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #56 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Janitor ?? 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #57 
killerb54
Member

Custodian, mop boy, peon, one of them




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #58 
jmaxg
Contributor

Is there beer there?  If so I up to try various filtering methods.

I am not saying Aussies are alchies, but we do love our beer and wine.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #59 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

I nominate Killer as janitor, mop boy, etc!!!




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #60 
killerb54
Member

I regretfully decline the position as I have no arms. Freak kite accident, don't ask.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #61 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Im sorry to hear that......kites can be a bugger of a thing......Nominations are open for the position any suggestions are welcome.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #62 
jmaxg
Contributor

Oh, I'll do it.

I'm the barman anyway.

Look, it's not that hard after ya get the big bits outta ya teeth.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #63 
jmaxg
Contributor

Helen: "Rum and coke, please."

jmaxg: "Ummm, mumble mumble...ex&*^%se me."

*ducks down

jmaxg: "Rum and coke? Not a problem! Here ya go."




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #64 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

lol thanks for the jmaxg and as it was in the mens urinal it is only appropriate for a man to clean




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #65 
jmaxg
Contributor

Now THIS is a bar!

:-D




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #66 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Rum and coke on bar for you....made it a double

 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #67 
killerb54
Member

Hey man do you have some of that 20 year old scotch left? 

 

*Pours Coca-Cola and 6 ice cubes into it*




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #68 
jmaxg
Contributor

The ice cubes jump out and go "aye, aye, aye, aye, aye" as they run away.

Welcome to the "Looney Tunes" bar.

Beware, Nasty Canasta has imbibed here at least once.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #69 
jmaxg
Contributor

I just found a bottle called "nuclear bitters". Oh shit, Nasty Canasta has been here.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #70 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Who the heck is Nasty Canasta and what is he doing hiding in our bar




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #71 
killerb54
Member

He's probably just laying low until the police dogs get thrown off the scent. Lot of masking odors in this place.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #72 
jmaxg
Contributor

A character from the "golden age" of Warner Brothers "looney tunes" cartoons.

He appeared in three cartoons of which "My Little Duckaroo" (co-strarring with Daffy Duck and Porky Pig) was the obvious best.

"Nasty" is an understatement. And it's an award winning and brilliant cartoon.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #73 
jmaxg
Contributor

By the way, directed by the legendary Charles M. Jones




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #74 
jmaxg
Contributor

I just got it....nobody picked that I digressed back into cartoons.

Boy, if feeling one's age is a thing, it's happening right now.

Anyway, never mind, continue on.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #75 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

We still need a janitor....come on applicants.....free drinks and uniform !

 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #76 
jmaxg
Contributor

Anyway killerb54 has been nominated as janitor. He probably wont accept.

No....don't do that TabbyT....I am not giving up my job.

I may not be the best barman you ever saw, but I grabbed it first.

And as you can see from above, I suck better than anyone else.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #77 
killerb54
Member

I'm paralyzed from the neck up and on disability sorry




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #78 
jmaxg
Contributor

This forum is so F&*cking funny!




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #79 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

You told me you lost your arms in a freak kite accident Killer??? lol




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #80 
killerb54
Member

Yeah that too, different kite accident




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #81 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

You sure have had bad luck with kites......i would keep away from them




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #82 
killerb54
Member

Excuse me it's my God-given right as a U.S. AMERICAN to fly a kite any damn time I please, and as long as I have a foot that's exactly what I'm gonna do.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #83 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

lol




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #84 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

best i keep quiet




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #85 
jmaxg
Contributor

No....best you keep what you are doing.

killerb54 is glorious, but not the last word.

He's a little bit insane perhaps but so arn't we all.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #86 
jmaxg
Contributor

That's just my opinion anyway.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #87 
sally906
Contributor

Ooooo a two-legged kite flyer - can see you jack-knifed and balancing on your bum - legs in the air. I especially admire how you manage to hold your beer glass....




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #88 
chooky
Contributor

I guess this sort of thing is to be expected when you fly kites in bar-rooms.

Aussies certainly do like their beer. Properly chilled!
 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #89 
jmaxg
Contributor

I saw Nicki Minaj do that once. She wasn't holding a beer at the time, but the balloons in her bum seemed quite obvious to me.

By the way, yes, beer should be chilled.




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #90 
chooky
Contributor

I've been asked to pass on a beer-related joke.

Why do English people drink warm beer?
Because they all have Lucas fridges.

I'm told this is hilarious.
"Well, anyone who's been on the spanners will get it!" is what my husband said.

 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #91 
chooky
Contributor

Has anyone hired a bouncer yet?

Please don't throw me out on my ear!     : /

 




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Thu 8 Sep 16 #92 
jmaxg
Contributor

We don't need bouncers yet. But nevertheless, that's a good point.

Can you recommend anyone just in case?

And about the beer joke, you are right.....most people wont get it.

BUT, a mechanic friend of mine once said much the same thing about British Jaguars.

As opposed to something like a Mercedes, a mechanic simply cannot work on a Jaguar without having "Jaguar" supplied tools. When I heard that, I thought it was atrocious!

But apparently, it's a mechanic's fact of life.

THAT should be posted in another forum currently active. Maybe it will be.

;-)




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Fri 9 Sep 16 #93 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Not bouncers but Heads of security Java abd JMK xx




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Fri 9 Sep 16 #94 
sally906
Contributor

To be responsible bar owners and limit the temptation to alcoholics you should only allow drinking if the day of the week has an A in the spelling!




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #95 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

many do not come here just for booze, the is an attractive barman for a start !!!




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #96 
jmaxg
Contributor

Barman jmaxg:  "Last time I looked in a mirror, it slapped me in the face!"

Best married persons joke ever (in my opinion):

"Moms" Mabely (1894 to 1975 - US comedian): "My husband is so ugly, he hurts my feelings."

The thing about that joke is that it doesn't work anywhere near as good in a 180 degree stance.

If the husband had said that about the wife, the result would be "yeah, whatever."

The fact that "Moms" Mabely made that joke up from nowhere is what makes it so funny. And she did - it was an improvised joke - for real! But she did it during an era when domestic violence was commonplace and she knew it.

As one of the prominent LGBTQ advocates of the time, the only weapon she had was comedy and she used it sharply and effectively.

That joke was not just a great joke, but a true feminist joke and an anti-domestic violence activist poke-in-the-eye.

(I may be a straight male, but I love effective humour when I see it)

As far as jmaxg is concerned, that is one of the top ten greatest jokes of all time.




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #97 
jmaxg
Contributor

That and when the horse walks into a bar and the barman says: "Why the long face?"

Look, that is a great joke. Almost the perfect joke. I always have had a fondness for it.

It should be one of the Top Ten.




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #98 
Ruby Franks
Contributor

A man walks into a bar.

"Ouch".




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #99 
jmaxg
Contributor

Yeah, not much of a response on that. Perhaps if he had a gorilla on his his arm and the gorilla said "ouch" after biting his head off because he dislodged a tooth or something else that was funny.

There is a great sketch about a comedian walking in with a girl on his arm by Brian Doyle-Murray (brother of Bill Murray). Will that do?

A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm - Brian Doyle-Murray

(with a bonus Flash Bazbo bit)

National Lampoon is a World treasure just like Monty Python.




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Sat 10 Sep 16 #100 
jmaxg
Contributor

The Immigrants is the funniest sketch I have ever heard outside of "The Goons".

It maybe American comedy, but it is still wonderful.

Not as good as Monty Python perhaps. But still, there is brilliance there.




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Sun 11 Sep 16 #101 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

OK Jmax you can be Janitor as well as head barman extracash and do you still require the uniform?? ..willoffer Sally and helen extrapay to be morning cleaners with old English uniform of floral wrap around pinny and curlers !!




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Sun 11 Sep 16 #102 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

By the way I refuse to dress like a mistress so send that outfitback !!!




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Mon 12 Sep 16 #103 
killerb54
Member

This gin and tonic tastes like paint and piss! Do you EVER wash these glasses?




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Mon 12 Sep 16 #104 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

whe did you ever drink paint and piss ???  and ifyou did how in hell did you find our about  the bar i had which was closes by the Health department !!!!




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #105 
jmaxg
Contributor

Cease your health department clamouring woman!

I'm tired and I've had a rough day. Running brand new tournaments, especially tournament concepts never been done before, is not easy!

Any tomato juice and vodka in there?

Maybe a stick of celery to crunch on?

Oh geez, I'm hungry, just gimme our garbage can.

*smacking and chomping noises

Thrown out bar snacks....yum!

*smacking and chomping noises




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #106 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Just a word about chilled beer some shouls be especially horrible lager but in England wehave a quality ale best savouredat room tenperature !!!.......pint please !




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #107 
jmaxg
Contributor

Oh look, I only ONCE froze my inner ear because of beer.

People around me jumped up and down and made a scene, but I couldn't tell as my inner ear was frosty.

Let this be a lesson to ya, don't pour chilled substances in your ear.

Apart from the "Woof!" effect, it may actually be damaging.

Ummmm, does TabbyT speak English?




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #108 
killerb54
Member

Those warm ales are proper shite by the way. 

 

I'll just have a Fosters, and dump a few ice cubes in it too will ya




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #109 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Yuk Fosters !!!    shall continue to sip myale and read the Guardian ....one mans shite isanother womans superlative xxxxx

 




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #110 
killerb54
Member

Talk about shite - the Guardian




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Tue 13 Sep 16 #111 
jmaxg
Contributor

Just a small point, Fosters stopped being an Australian beer when a company called "Elders IXL" bought the brand and formula from the original Australian (and VICTORIAN - my home state!) brewers.

Since then, they have been hocking the brand all over the world, franchising the formula and letting international brewers make it with local water.

BIG MISTAKE!

The original brewers made it using Vctoria's water. Local Victorian water is amongst the most naturally pure in the world by a quirk of and the benevolence of nature. Victoria, Australia is blessed with a soil structure that ensures excellent filtration to the point that our (sorry - LOL - THEIR) tap water is naturally soft and almost free of mineral contaminants. Victoria's catchment areas are studied by hydration engineers from all over the world.

And some TWIT went and bought the label and dragged it away, kicking and screaming, from it's original source, introduced other water sources, changed the formula to try and compensate, filtered it with rice (a no-no known to serious brewers), and tried to still call it "beer"! Arrrgghhh!

It's so tainted by sugar now, it almost rivals Coca-Cola.

So no, the original "Fosters" stopped being "Fosters" many, many, many years ago.

(interesting side effect - hot water systems in Victoria sometimes outlive their buyers - how cool is that!)




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Wed 14 Sep 16 #112 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

shut it and draw me another ale from t'barrell cried a little leftwing drunk xxx




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Wed 14 Sep 16 #113 
chooky
Contributor

Bender, I'm surprised at you! 
Fosters?!  And you a Diamond valley boy & all.
You clearly don't have a great big thirst!
Next you'll be telling us you feel like a Toohey's or two. 

;)

The very first drink I ever served was a half pint of Freo Steam Beer which was an ale that was very popular with tourists, especially British, although the locals took a while to come round.

Now I'm homesick! 

:(




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #114 
sally906
Contributor

I'm definately unAustralian - can't abide beer - unless it is drowned in copious amounts of lemonade - even then I shudder!!!

Do like alchoholic ginger beer though - very yum!




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #115 
jmaxg
Contributor

As with most Australian boys, I grew up on "shandies".

(mix of beer and something else - usually lemonade, or maybe ginger ale)

To chooky, first up, I am surprised at you!

SURELY you knew that the "Fosters" label was bought out. No? Then sorry, that's not my fault.

YES I am proud of who I am and where I come from. Like I said, Victorian water is very pure. When Fosters was legally taken away from us, it was my job simply to lament and nothing more. I remember it distinctly and was saddened.

I think it's crime what Fosters has become relative to what it was back in the 1970s and before.....a great and tasty beer. But that was then and this is now.

-

Anyway, yes m'lady TabbyT, here is your ale.

May I dab your chin a little as you appear to be dribbling.




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #116 
jmaxg
Contributor

Gosh I miss Diamond Valley and Eltham pubs and Eltham's Barrel.....the Greensborough public pool in the summer.....the Panton Hill Football Club in the winter (where smoking doobies and sometimes playing Footy was the aim of the game) and that stoopid off-angle pool table of theirs, the train ride to Hurstbridge where the line stopped, Mount Sugarloaf......more and more.....

Stop it chooky! You're making me tear up!




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #117 
jmaxg
Contributor

When those bush fires happened in Victoria a few years back, all of Factacular closed around me and offered "gee-ups".

I have never felt so honoured in all my life.

They didn't know me from a bar of soap, but they stood at my side.

You don't forget something like that.




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #118 
chooky
Contributor

Sorry Bender!  I'm still in the middle of my own little sentimental journey but I have tissues and I'm happy to share.

Let's have a drink to Greensboro public pool & Fremantle Markets & Panton Hill Footy Club & Scarborough beach & the Diamond valley & the Swan valley & good old Aussie red dirt!

Tissue?




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #119 
chooky
Contributor

And also to all the lovely Facta people who didn't know you from a bar of soap.

It's really nice in here!   :)




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Thu 15 Sep 16 #120 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

it is have a cold beer on me xx




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Fri 16 Sep 16 #121 
sally906
Contributor

My dad went to a pub in Portsmouth many years back and asked for a cold beer. They gave him a beer with ice cubes in it.  Yes they were taking the mickey of him. But he laughed and laughed. 




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Sat 17 Sep 16 #122 
jmaxg
Contributor

Us Aussies are great like that. We know a joke when we see it.

Well, not always.......anyone can have an off day just like anyone.

But sally's dad is a perfect example of how Aussie's love a good joke.

Not sure about my dad though.....he was a moody prick. I wonder if he would've gone all "Kingsman" on their asses and shoved the ice-cubes where the sun don't shine.




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Sat 17 Sep 16 #123 
chooky
Contributor

Ice cubes were once a quite popular addition to groom's drinks on Bucks nights.  As I remember Swizzle sticks, tabasco sauce, olives, straws, raw eggs, fake bugs and sometimes real bugs were also considered hilarious additions.  Ask any barman/maid and they'll have at least one funny story to tell.  My most memorable - a small glass sculpture of a nude woman, a handful of fizzy vitamin B tablets and (my favourite) a rubber chicken so big there was no beer left in the glass when the sniggering best man had finished jamming it in.
There is a legend about a  vey large...ahem....toy but that just might be the great white whale of the hospitality industry,

Ahhhhhhh, memories!




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Sun 18 Sep 16 #124 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Oi!  this is a family bar...lucky manyof us have dodgy families !!!




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Tue 20 Sep 16 #125 
jmaxg
Contributor

Dodgy families???? Anything else and I would've....what's the term......oh yeah....emancipated meself.

Belonging to a family, varied preferably, dodgy especially, is what makes life interesting.




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Wed 21 Sep 16 #126 
sally906
Contributor

I'm married into a dodgy family - does that count?  Family history investigation has shown that on his father's side there is not one, not two but three convicts - and the daughter of one of the convicts (not our direct line but the sister of our direct line) married a convict!!  




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Thu 22 Sep 16 #127 
jmaxg
Contributor

I got a brother that did time in the infamous Pentridge Prison. I'm kinda proud of that.

I don't think Mark "Chopper" Reid was doing time at the same time, but still, he might've been.

Pentridge Prison doesn't exist anymore, but it's one of the most notorious establishments in Australian history.




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Thu 22 Sep 16 #128 
jmaxg
Contributor

Oh...chooky....I forgot.....

It's not "Greensboro" - that's in North Carolina.

It's "Greensborough"......the place next to Watsonia, Victoria with the great public pool......and a real mongrel of a police station....or at least it used to.

But the 'Borough had the best district Footy club and Cricket club and reigned supreme during the 1970s and 80s.




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Thu 22 Sep 16 #129 
jmaxg
Contributor

The Panton Hills Footy Club? Ummm.....well.....errrr....

We once played cricket against the Captain Matchbox Whoopee Band!

But I honestly think we were all high at the time and none of us remember much about it. But I got to bowl spin for one over!

At least, I think it was spin.....maybe it was medium pace.....or maybe it was pace but I was so high, I fell over six times in a row.




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Sun 25 Sep 16 #130 
jmaxg
Contributor

*as jmaxg cleans a glass, he hocks up, spits, snorts and continues cleaning the glass*

Good enough for "Blazing Saddles" (1974)? Good enough for me.

:-D




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Mon 26 Sep 16 #131 
Ruby Franks
Contributor

All this time I've been out in the yard, drinking chilled white wine and smoking the excellent harvest from my garden. I've got slightly paranoid about how I manage to negotiate my way out in order to get home to make sure nobody has stolen my valuable collection.




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Mon 26 Sep 16 #132 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

you can stay the night if you make your own bed Jmax will supply wood and nails !!




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Tue 27 Sep 16 #133 
killerb54
Member

Alright I need something stiff to erase everything from last night.

No, pervs, I already know your jokes and I don't wanna hear em.




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Tue 27 Sep 16 #134 
chooky
Contributor

Perhaps a badger-hair brush?
Or something in a nice firm pig-bristle

BTW, Bender....Yes I know it's "Greensborough"  I was abreviating.  Lots of people drop the "ugh" when referencing informally.




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Wed 28 Sep 16 #135 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

settle down now the heavy drinkers are here (most of them on the staff)   Jmax get your mouth away fro the beet tap someone has ordered a pint !




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Wed 28 Sep 16 #136 
killerb54
Member

Beet tap? Is thisa RUSSIAN PUB?? I'll have you step away from my lager, komrade. 




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Wed 28 Sep 16 #137 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

aye its Russian rushing everywhere which is why Ihave pumps ( old word for gym shoes a terrible pun as all mine are ) x




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Wed 28 Sep 16 #138 
sally906
Contributor

Russians drink beer?  You sure it's not vodka with froth on top!




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Thu 29 Sep 16 #139 
jmaxg
Contributor

*gurgle, gurgle, gurgle*

In a sec TabbyT.......I am sure there is an air bubble in here somewhere.

*gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.....SPLASH!*

Found it!

*burp*

Damn thing was dug in like an Alabama tick.




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Thu 29 Sep 16 #140 
jmaxg
Contributor

"But most of all, I remember, her husband Craig.......about six foot six, broad shoulders, what a WHACKA!!

(pause)

A wahine in wine - w-a-n-g-a-r-a-t-t-a....etc."

~ Captain Matchbox Whoopee Band - Wangaratta Wahine (link above)

Not for everyone to get, but those that do get it, get it with avengeance.

The 1970s was a great time to be alive.




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Thu 29 Sep 16 #141 
jmaxg
Contributor

It's hard to acknowledge, because sometimes we are so devout of "cool".

But your home country is so special in your life.

I don't know why, but maybe Australia is more special than others.

We don't have a reason to be. But I was away from my country once and I knew how it felt when I saw the coastline through the window of the aircraft when I came back.  Uncontrollable emotion and deep love.

Maybe us Australians really do feel something different.




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #142 
jmaxg
Contributor

Heard something troubling about our Mistress TabbyT.

Am looking into it.

Will get back to you as soon as possible.




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #143 
killerb54
Member

Does it have anything to do with the rash that's been going around here?




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #144 
jmaxg
Contributor

Depends on what the rash is. It could be a rash of......something.

Anyway, like I said, I am looking into it.

Speaking of "rashes", I believe Trump got the b'dungles kicked out of him this week.

Tweeting in the middle of the night? Lay off the cocaine dude! It's ruining your life!




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #145 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

pour me a big drink and join me honey !




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #146 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

what honey would that be




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #147 
sally906
Contributor

Have to be Manuka honey -  best honey!




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #148 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Oh yes...you got that right Sally




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #149 
sally906
Contributor

Is super duper healthy - and tastes good on toast too!  We always buy big jars when we go to NZ as is cheaper to buy there 




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #150 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

just call barman 'honey' to lure him into giving me a free drink !!!

 




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #151 
killerb54
Member

So is Manuka a bee or is that some fake corn syrup honey stuff?




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #152 
jmaxg
Contributor

One free drink to the lady with the dead bird on her head!

(and a song in her heart)

And the mites.....we can never forget the mites.




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #153 
JMK
Editor

Manuka is a plant. Bees who forage from the manuka flowers make mauka honey which is delicious and thought to have anti-bacterial properties. Manuka honey is delicious.




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #154 
jmaxg
Contributor

Watch it! She can be a little fruity sometimes.

This is fruity....definitely fruity.

Oh my LORD! Where did these aphids come from?

Ants! We need ants here!




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Sat 1 Oct 16 #155 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Cheers to all you honeybuns mead you all xxx




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Sun 2 Oct 16 #156 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Now i know the secret to a free drink.....with all the bar keeping i thought a free drink would come naturally




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #157 
jmaxg
Contributor

Drink Price Schedule

Beer - 100 points

Draught Beer - 200 points

Any Australian Beer - 300 points

House White - 400 points

House Red - 400 points

Notable White - 1000 points

Notable Red - 1250 points

Vodka Martini - 1650 points

Gin Martini - 1700 points. With olive, 1750 points

Single Malt Scotch - 2000 points

Napolean Brandy - 2100 points

Chateau De Rothchild (Picasso Label) - 2400 points

Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster - 2500 points




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #158 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

is there a staff discount ???

 




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #159 
jmaxg
Contributor

YUP!

I just haven't worked out what it is yet.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #160 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Staff on the house lol




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #161 
jmaxg
Contributor

Taking tabs or "iou"s based on the above schedule.

TabbT's credit is always good.

Helen? Maybe I should send you a brainoff to be absolutely sure.

;-)




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #162 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Im ready for any brainoff you send lol




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #163 
jmaxg
Contributor

That's what you said a few week ago!

Oh, we'll see. Another tournament is coming up.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #164 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

But you never sent a brainoff lol




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #165 
jmaxg
Contributor

Your time is coming Helen.....LOL

Look to and imagine "The Big Board".




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #166 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

LOL......"The big board"????




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #167 
jmaxg
Contributor

Yes....."The Big Board".

Looking forward to seeing you on it.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #168 
jmaxg
Contributor

That didn't sound weird, did it?

It did? Oh dear.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #169 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

LMAO




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #170 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Im not offended, i enjoy your humour lol




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #171 
jmaxg
Contributor

LOL......I know some are more sensitive. But let us just say I read my people.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #172 
jmaxg
Contributor

That is not arrogant........that is just me knowing Helen.

If not for you, the Pot Black Tournament would not have undergone significant changes.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #173 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Lol only cos i couldnt get to the required score line lol

 




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #174 
jmaxg
Contributor

Here's a drink for ya.......one part gin, two parts vermouth, one part scotch....

Pour it into a large glass and add fruit juice.

I call it "Punch".

;-)




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #175 
jmaxg
Contributor

It actually happened once when I was married earlier on.

One whole bottle of scotch, vodka, gin and then a whole lot of orange and pineapple juice..

The result was a "punch" that rattled through the ages.

And DAMN, it tasted really good too.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #176 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

sounds intoxicating lol




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #177 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Pour mine into a large glass, no ice




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #178 
jmaxg
Contributor

LOL......no ice and a tall glass.

*later on*

Where is Helen? Why is there a line for the toilet?

Helen? Where is Helen?




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #179 
jmaxg
Contributor

*Helen ralphing.....

More Pineapple Juice! Blurt!

LOL




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #180 
jmaxg
Contributor

I was astounded at how good a punch it made though back then.

Really lovely and sweet. You simply could not detect the alcohol.

Until later, of course.




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #181 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Im in the corner......burp......with the bowl of punch......hick




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Tue 4 Oct 16 #182 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

you bunken druggers !!

 




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #183 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Yep....hick....picking myself up off floor




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #184 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Hey Barman !......wheelbarrow for Mrs McKenzie !




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #185 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

No wheelbarrow lol more punch please......that is one good concotion




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #186 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

you shoud see what Jmax putsin the punch !!!




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #187 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Oh yeah its pretty potent

 




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Wed 5 Oct 16 #188 
sally906
Contributor

Punch?  Peers into glass bowl - contains murky looking liquid with a strong smell of stale beer and ..... cherry brandy...and a swimming rat?  Surely not? Hang on - was that a ripple on the surface behind the rat? What else is in there? Staring at liquid closely......eeeeeek!  A fin has just broken the surface - cue in Jaws theme - oops, bye bye rat!  Hmmm. Think I'll pass on the punch.  Um - any unopened wine?  




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #189 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

thought Jmax was being a little secrative about the recipe !!!!

 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #190 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Yes especially the "Live" floaties




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #191 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

well he is a multitasker combining pest control with Punch making !!!!




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #192 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

A good barman is one who can multitask!!




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #193 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

BUT a warning about his bar snacks avoid his ratatouie ......he also has frogs legs ......no wonder he hops so fast along the bar !!!

 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #194 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Thank goodness i dont know what ratatouie is.....so i will be avoiding it, i will leave the frogs legs to him lol




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #195 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

spelled it wrong in any case !

 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #196 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

lol




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #197 
jmaxg
Contributor

Please guys......no dead rats or even live paddling ones.....that didn't happen.

It was just a punch that my best man designed.......bottle of this, bottle of that and LOTS of fruit juice and soft drink.

The result was amazingly palatable (fruity!) and terribly dangerous.

When you get the ratios right, anything can happen. On that night, my best man got the ratios right.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #198 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmax does his cellar duties - scraping of barrels as he shifts them*

Complaining about that punch.....that was a good perfectly punch! Who the hell do they think they are anyway...I KNOW A GOOD PUNC....

*SLAM!*

OH! OHH! Barrel on foot! OW! OWW! Hurties! Many hurts now! YOWSA! Purple toes! Oh crap!

MEDIC!!!!

*a bottle is within certain distance*

You'll do.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #199 
killerb54
Member

Uhhh did someone call a medic? 

Oh is that 20 year Scotch in that barrel?? Put a flippin bandaid on it and leave me the hell alone. 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #200 
jmaxg
Contributor

NOBODY SAID ANYTHING and I am hopping up an down.

*tears*

Oh, my poor toesies. I am gonna lose a nail, I know it.

OWW....this hurts!




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #201 
jmaxg
Contributor

No 20 year old scotch down 'ere!

*gulp*

Now I am absolutely sure of it.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #202 
jmaxg
Contributor

Getting it together.....smashed toes and quaffed scotch n' all.

*the scotch takes effect*

Oh.....that's nice. Very "not burney".

Ummmmm, slinks anybud? I mean, tinks if also bud?

Did I tay sat? Od hear.

Is bere a parman in the blace?




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #203 
killerb54
Member

Yeah. I'll have some of that damned scotch you're hording, and I'll have it immediately.

Neat. No ice, water, soda, or any of that other sodding junk people ruin it with.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #204 
jmaxg
Contributor

Wotice not I am saying.

T am Iming.

Eddic!

Whoa........that scotch does hit ya.

Where are we?

Scotch no anything....got ya.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #205 
jmaxg
Contributor

Just don't look at my toes......apparently blue is my new favourite colour.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #206 
killerb54
Member

Actually, I think I'd just like to have a word with your superior. This bar is a state, and the employees are beyond reproach. I demand to speak with the owner of the establishment at once, or I'll rate you 1 star on yelp. 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #207 
jmaxg
Contributor

I AM the employee dopey.

As for my superior, good luck! She will turn up when she gets a fresh bird for her head.

Is this about a fight? Because I can fight for air every now and again.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #208 
killerb54
Member

You know what, that boss of yours sounds like a nutcase. I think we'd all be better off if nobody spoke to her, so cancel the call. 

Just give me one of them fancy drinks with an umbrella in it and we can call it even.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #209 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jamxg takes a drink under the bar*

And besides, you're mum dresses weird.

Oh crap....he actually paid for a drink.

Here is the drink and here is the umbrella.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #210 
killerb54
Member

PUT A GOT DAMN UMBRELLA OR OLIVE OR LEMON SLICE OR SOMETHING IN THIS DRINK BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER JEEZ DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING EHRE I DONT EVEN WORK HERE!! 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #211 
jmaxg
Contributor

Observation.....

Watching killerb trying to drink past an umbrella is literally the funniest thing you have ever seen.

He tried to make movements under the umbrella and splashed himself.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #212 
killerb54
Member

Yeah I need to report a defective umbrella. The point here is to block fluids...I think I deserve to have my money back. 




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #213 
jmaxg
Contributor

We have a mens room if you need it.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #214 
jmaxg
Contributor

I am going off shift with a smile.

See you all when I am back on.

Thanks killerb.....you made my day.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #215 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Have a free drink and a bigger umbrella Killer can't do with all t'bother tha naws....lookyou have stressedme out and I have reverted to my native Yorkshire language so sit supand shutup !!!




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #216 
killerb54
Member

Are you the one with the bird on the head? Oh yes, I can see the beak of some mangy fowl peeking around your ear.

I was told you were a miserable lunatic and to not bother speaking to you by the bartender who just closed up shop as I was sitting here enjoying a drink and a pretzel. Please go do something in the office and let me relax, thanks.




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Thu 6 Oct 16 #217 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

certainly a lunatic but nevermiserable yon barman is a miserable unhygenic old git.....but was the best I could get and I wont tell you what he putsin the pretzels ! relax and one of our sexy seductive waiters will see to your evert need !!




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Sat 8 Oct 16 #218 
jmaxg
Contributor

Errr....boss? I never said you were a lunatic and I definitely never said you were miserable.

But you do have a bird on your head.

As for the unhygenics? You never budgeted for a cleaner.




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Sat 8 Oct 16 #219 
chooky
Contributor

Seems like it's getting just a teeny-weeny bit Moe's Tavern-ish round here.  When does happy hour start?  Then it won't matter who's got what on their head.




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Sat 8 Oct 16 #220 
killerb54
Member

hey chooky YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE MATE ???


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Sat 8 Oct 16 #221 
jmaxg
Contributor

Well chooky, as it turns out, I have a cocktail for you.

One part vermouth, two parts chicken feed, one part gin and an olive.

Pour vermouth into glass. Add gin. Add olive. Sprinkle chicken feed around glass.

Watch chook as it pecks at chicken feed, drink cocktail.

To quote Mr. Spock from Star Trek: "Fascinating."




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Sat 8 Oct 16 #222 
chooky
Contributor

No thankyou, killerb54.
But my husband would.  You can't miss him, he's the one who looks a little bit like Foghorn Leghorn's big brother - if he was 6'6", had machetes for fighting-spurs and a serious steroid abuse problem.  His nickname is Rooster Cogburn becasue he eats actual grit, not birdseed and he knows just how to deal with people who are cruel to animals.

He doesn't like to be kept waiting.




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Sat 8 Oct 16 #223 
chooky
Contributor

Thankyou for the drink, Bender




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Sun 9 Oct 16 #224 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Bar now crowded with Kevvie winners will never knoe how they function so well full of strong drink .......now would anyone like to purchase a little tot for somecute little furballs ???




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Mon 10 Oct 16 #225 
chooky
Contributor

I'll shout the Queencats a bevvie.
And have one on me too, barman.




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Mon 10 Oct 16 #226 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Chooky you are a kind lady ...xxx love from t'furballs




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #227 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmax takes another Victoria Bitter from his secret stash.

Thanks chook....along with tax and import duty, that 375 ml can comes to $US 36.48.

For the furballs and chooky, here is five "fuzzy ocelots".

5 parts rum, 2 parts OJ and a dollop of vanilla ice cream garnished with an orange slice.

Sneaks up on ya like a cute little kitty......then rips ya to pieces.

:-D




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #228 
killerb54
Member

Holy crap when did I fall asleep in this booth? What day is it? Why did nobody wake me up? 

More importantly, what the hell did you serve me and where did my clothes go??




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #229 
jmaxg
Contributor

I marked down all the times I prodded you just for human resources reasons.

Hang on......the notebook says 25.  But it may have been a couple more.

As for me, I'm glad you're not dead.

Your clothes are over here.......where I put them as you chucked them at me.

I can't believe I neatly folded them.




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #230 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmax reevaluates his role as a barman.....

Eh, whatever.




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #231 
killerb54
Member

You should have been an astronaut, bro. Stop being whimsical and get me a beer. 




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #232 
jmaxg
Contributor

One fizzy top.......there ya go.




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #233 
killerb54
Member

I don't know what the hell a fuzzy whatever is but its....smooth?




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #234 
jmaxg
Contributor

If it doesn't froth and it's a beer? You got problems.

My served beers froth.




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #235 
chooky
Contributor

Very glad the ocelots you served us are fuzzy. There is another variety of ocelot which doesn't sneak up on you like a kitty, it just claws you right in the face. It's fairly new and I'm not sure of the exact recipe but it's very close to : 2 parts Tequila, 1 part Campari and 1 part lime & jalapeno cordial.  Perhaps it's a new trend : don't go for something that will eventually give you a hangover, drink something that will cause you pain immediately.




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #236 
jmaxg
Contributor

Yeah, but an ocelot LOOKS like a kitty........right up to the point where the little bugger eats your face.

Jalapeno cordial? Someone actually made a cordial out of jalapenos???

(cordial: Australian and New Zealand term for concentrated liquid relative to a flavour intended to be mixed with other flavours or prepared with water)

(Jalapeno: Potent hot pepper native to Mexico)

That is the sickest idea I have ever hea.....wait......ummm, errr.....*thinking....hang on a second......just on the phone with my supplier. Ok, he says three days.

Gotta give this a try myself! I can see Bloody Mary sales going through the roof!

And ring gears burning for days!




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Tue 11 Oct 16 #237 
killerb54
Member

I pop jalapenos like breath mints. Throw some habanero or ghost pepper in there instead, wouldja?


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Tue 11 Oct 16 #238 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmax back on phone with supplier




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Wed 12 Oct 16 #239 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Where the hell are all the fresh young new Members ??  this placeis fullof seedyold facta drunks who have been hanging about for ages (and I includein this the head barman the staff and myself !!)




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Wed 12 Oct 16 #240 
chooky
Contributor

I'm not sure about before but now it might have something to do with the chili drinks   : 0




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Wed 12 Oct 16 #241 
chooky
Contributor

Aahh, Cottees Cordial! It doesn't taste the same any more. they've taken out half the sugar and replaced it with .0005% more fruit juice.
Lime and Jalapenos cordial is not available commercially yet, as far as I know (ohhh, bummer!) but apparently it's made with the rind & juice of limes, chopped jalapenos & a cup of sugar.
Could be worse though - jalapenos range between 3,500 to 10,000 on the scoville scale. The cayenne is 30,000 - 50,000, scotch bonnets & habaneros are 100,000 - 350,000 and there are the nagas which all make it over the million mark. At the very top of the list is the Carolina Reaper. Guinness world records put it's SHUs at 1,569,000. Certainly does make the jalapeno seem like a breath mint, in comparision.




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Thu 13 Oct 16 #242 
jmaxg
Contributor

TabbT, I asked the same question of myself this afternoon.

Let me make an enquiry to JMK relative to this. Stay tuned.




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Thu 13 Oct 16 #243 
jmaxg
Contributor

Enquiry Made - it's up to them TabbyT. New members have to decide and turn up by themselves.




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Thu 13 Oct 16 #244 
jmaxg
Contributor

chooky, I used to love lime cordial. I am still a fan of lime jelly (or jello in the US).

My late brother gave me this one bit of advice......when you make your jelly, pop it in the freezer instead of the fridge. Five hours later, you have a delicious icy treat that is sure to lower your body core temperature on hot summer nights.

I've tried it. Rasberry is fantastic as is orange, pineapple, peach and strawberry. The brain freeze? An acceptable risk.

It's really cheap and like my brother said, it lowers your core body temperature so it works and he's right.




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Thu 13 Oct 16 #245 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Vodka jellies are yum




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Thu 13 Oct 16 #246 
sally906
Contributor

Roll up, roll up - been baking to bring a touch of class to the joint.

That plate has Gin and Tonic cake and that plate has bourbon balls, then honey whiskey and pecan boozy biscuits on the next plate and that last plate has Dirty Girl Scout cookies (have Bailey's, Kahlula, and Creme de menthe in them).  

Enjoy




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Fri 14 Oct 16 #247 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

delicious ladies we must serve them (not the delicious ladies the boozy treats)    and Helen mackenzie was it you filled the staff water cooler with vodka ???




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Fri 14 Oct 16 #248 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

I didnt think anyone would notice Tabbs, it looks just like water




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Sat 15 Oct 16 #249 
jmaxg
Contributor

*jmax holes up in the back room with samples of jalapeno and habanero flavoured cordials....

Hmmm....jalapeno is tasty but it misses the vinegary streak, too much sugar perhaps. Ok...some spicy tickle on the toungue but not as much as I am used to.

*tries habanero.....

Ok....stronger flavour and interesting. The tongue is tingling a bit and......OH SHIT!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLMY CMAP!!! Tonguey hurt now........ow, ow, ow, ow.....trying warner (water)......NOOOOOHHHHHH......warner bad, thmakes it worrrrrshe!

*15 minutes later......tears and snot running from orifices......with final strength leans over and stamps invoices....

PAID - REORDER

 




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Sun 16 Oct 16 #250 
chooky
Contributor

I'm going to try that idea when the hot weather properly gets here.  The frozen jelly/o idea, not the habanero one.
Do you remember Sunnyboys, jmax?  They've just stopped making them. Yet another Aussie icon laid to rest. : (




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Sun 16 Oct 16 #251 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

shall trythe frozen jelly even in the depths of an English winter 'cos eventhen I eat ice cream by the fire !!!

 




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #252 
jmaxg
Contributor

Oh HELL YEAH chooky! Sunnyboys where the frozen orange treat inside a tetra (a sort of three dimensional triangle) container.

The point being, you broke it open and sucked away on the insides. Sometimes it was actually orange flavoured. But mostly it was water flavoured with all the flavouring at the lower side of the triangle that you opened. The BIG thing about Sunnyboys is that you occasionally got a free one because it was marked on the inside of the packaging.

They stopped making them? I think that's a mistake.




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #253 
jmaxg
Contributor

Tetra packaged flavoured iced treats were big in Adelaide during my military years and after I was discharged in Adelaide (1989) South Australia.

But in Adelaide, they made them in chocolate and strawberry. I once, I do not tell a lie, went to a store and bought every chocolate tetra pack they had. Those treats were lovely and refreshing and I could not get enough of them.

The taste was kind of "dusty" and non-sweet, yet what I think chocolate should be.

Anyway, yes, to hear that tetra packs are being phased out.......well, I simply don't get that.




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #254 
jmaxg
Contributor

Point to note.......if ANYBODY comes to the United States and looks for good chocolate sauce. You won't find it.

In Australia, New Zealand and perhaps England, our chocolate sauces became stronger with the chocolate taste the more you added even up and including the point where it becomes bitter.

In America? It just becomes sweeter. That's it. The more you add, the sweeter it becomes.

I'm not going to say that it's the exact opposite of chocolate, but it's pretty close.




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #255 
jmaxg
Contributor

Australian "Sunnyboys" have been discontinued and Donald Trump is going for the US presidency?

There has to be a "four horsemen and the apocalypse" metaphor right there!




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #256 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

I need a drink!!!!




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #257 
jmaxg
Contributor

May I suggest kiwi-fruit and gin?


I call it "The Big Egg".




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #258 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Ill give anythng a go, i normally eat my kiwifruit but gee its good for the bowels lol lol




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #259 
jmaxg
Contributor

LOL.....someone knows what a Kiwi is. To be aware of the joke makes it better, don't you think?

Well done Helen.




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #260 
jmaxg
Contributor

Don't let the joke out too early........let them try to catch up.




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #261 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

It will be a sad day if a kiwi doesnt know a kiwi joke lol




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #262 
sally906
Contributor

My hubby likes his Kiwi's with the fur on - I prefer them furless 




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Wed 19 Oct 16 #263 
jmaxg
Contributor

Good try, but not the joke.




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Thu 20 Oct 16 #264 
killerb54
Member

Kiwis are a digusting choice and you would do better to look elsewhere for a substitute




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Thu 20 Oct 16 #265 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

They were originally called Chinese Gooseberry


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Thu 20 Oct 16 #266 
sally906
Contributor

I wasn't trying to be part of the joke - have no idea what the joke is - something deep and meaningful I am sure - I was just saying how my husband eats them - it's disgusting!!!




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Thu 20 Oct 16 #267 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

Have a drink to forget it works for us !!  xx

 




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #268 
jmaxg
Contributor

How about this....

Strawberries and raspberries in a blender with ice and flurried.....

Poured into a martini glass with two parts vodka and an umbrella.

I call it the "United Nations - Say What Now?".




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #269 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

Sounds good




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #270 
chooky
Contributor

Sally, It's kinda nice to know that there are still some old-school guys like your husband around who still prefer things with the fur on. 

That was a joke.  And yes, it was a dirty one,  ; )

 




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #271 
jmaxg
Contributor

yes chooky we all love a good joke so move on!

Stop making googly eyes!




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #272 
chooky
Contributor

That's not googly eyes.  I'm simply refreshing my eyes with two kiwi slices.




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #273 
chooky
Contributor

Probably should have used cucumber like a normal person.




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #274 
jmaxg
Contributor

Oh dear, then I would've suggested tomatoes flurried and served with a cucumber. Either way it still works.




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #275 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

My mind went dirty when i read your cucumber comment......i should learn to read previous comments first lol




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #276 
jmaxg
Contributor

Awww! You're not supposed to say that!

Besides, we sliced them and OW, now I thought of that!

*whimper




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #277 
jmaxg
Contributor

Alright.....two parts V8, smushed carrots and celery, two parts vodka.

1:30 seconds in a microwave. I call it "Global Warming".




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #278 
jmaxg
Contributor

For the SJW's concerned, that was a "J.O.K.E.".

And maybe an interesting drink.




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #279 
jmaxg
Contributor

One part Fosters...
(I am jmaxg - I KNOW about Fosters)

50 parts V8 fruit juice, two massive parts 8 year old scotch found in the basement, three gin and two vodka.

Welcome to my punch.




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Sat 22 Oct 16 #280 
jmaxg
Contributor

I'll try not to make sure it doesn't hit you too hard.

Apart from the Fosters.

Like I give a crap.

International Fosters? No....please....not of my world.




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Sun 23 Oct 16 #281 
chooky
Contributor

Don't worry about the SJW's jmax, I have a cucumber and I'm not afraid to use it.

I've only ever known the 'International Fosters' I'm afraid




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Tue 25 Oct 16 #282 
jmaxg
Contributor

chooky, you are amazing.

As for Fosters, the fact is it was a good, even great beer once.

The "Carlton and United Brewery" (CUB) company used to prepare all of it's beers like children. But once Elders IXL entered it, one of the children got sold to the highest bidder.

Ya know what? That's ok.....Fosters was always a little flawed anyway. It always was a tad too sweet. And the fact is that most people don't get that where a beer comes from is 99.99% of that beer. The fact that Fosters is being flogged around the world is 99.99% the reason why Fosters is NOT an Australian beer anymore.

CUB never sold Victoria Bitter. Now THAT's a beer!

(that analogy about CUB and Elders IXL makes me want to cry)




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Tue 25 Oct 16 #283 
chooky
Contributor

Ahhh, As soon as you said Elders IXL I got the picture.




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Thu 27 Oct 16 #284 
jmaxg
Contributor

The fact that John Elliott, chairman of Elders IXL when Fosters was bought from Carlton and United Breweries and flogged around the world, was also President of the Carlton Football Club......MY club! That chills me to my bones!

That idiot was the "Donald Trump" of Australian business.

Look, Aussies do have a deep respect for successful businessmen even though we have a pervasive "tall poppy syndrome". If they are "yobbos" like famously successful Australian advertising exec. John singleton was, that's fine! The guy played up the fact that he was a "yobbo" at heart and we liked that.

But John Elliott, during his term in the 1980s, took being a "yobbo" to a hitherto unknown and tasteless degree (as if being a yobbo could be MORE tasteless - but he found a way).

Quick "Rubbery Figures" skit from the 1980s - Featuring John Elliott

MY club! This twit was president of MY club!! No wonder why we have not won a premiership in twenty years. UGH!




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Thu 27 Oct 16 #285 
jmaxg
Contributor

Another drink announcement!

Wide brimmed cocktail glass filled with 2 parts clear sparkling lemonade (in the US, they call it Sprite or 7 Up - in Australia, it's called lemonade) and 4 parts vodka.

Dusted with cocoa powder and served with strawberry slice garnishing.

I call it "The Dirty Footprint". After you drink it, your glass looks like someone stepped in it.




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Thu 27 Oct 16 #286 
jmaxg
Contributor

Yet another drink announcement!

Two parts soda water and three parts whiskey. Don't drink it. Buy it and serve it to a Trump supporter.

Watch them drink it and, as they do so, grab the back of their head and slam it into the bar.

I call it "The Slammer".

Okay, my bluetooth is telling me I can't actually propose that because it's against the law. I should've seen that coming. Thanks TABBYTOES.

I'll try to come up with something else.




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Thu 27 Oct 16 #287 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

do we allow Trump supporters in this bar in the first place ???




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Thu 27 Oct 16 #288 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

very good question Tabby




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Fri 28 Oct 16 #289 
chooky
Contributor

I think it would be nice. It would be a good opportunity to learn how ordinary, rational people behave. (Yes, I am aware this is a bar that serves Dirty Footprints!)  Then, if they misbehave, we could send them on their way with a parting drink which I have just thought of - 1 full measure of Jalapeno cordial with a twist of Carolina Reaper and dusting of cocoa powder, served in a shot glass.  I call it the Tiny Hand-print




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Sat 29 Oct 16 #290 
jmaxg
Contributor

On their butt as they leave.

Sounds ok to me.




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Sat 29 Oct 16 #291 
jmaxg
Contributor

To all new members that are invited........don't be afraid to enter and partake.

We are a screwy mob to be sure. Maybe even a little scary.

But we are just members like you that signed up.

You are just as entitled to post here as anyone else.




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Sat 29 Oct 16 #292 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

and to try some of jmaxg's special concoctions




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Sat 29 Oct 16 #293 
jmaxg
Contributor

The difference between drinking a "dirty footprint" and licking out the cocoa later is......standard practice actually.




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Sun 30 Oct 16 #294 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

speaking of his concoctions his home made after shave carries a health warning !!!!

 




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Sun 30 Oct 16 #295 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

lol and you know this how Tabby




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #296 
jmaxg
Contributor

She once shaved me.  It was ugly and we don't like to talk about it but there were things on me that are not there now.

Java almost had a heart attack from laughing so much, but that's beside the point.

Their cruel laughter echoes in my ears.

I am just grateful that she didn't lop off them as well.




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #297 
Helen McKenzie
Contributor

I just about choked on my drink reading that jmaxg lol im trying to get the image of what might have been shaved out of my mind......Oh dear i think therapy is in order lol




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #298 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

never minf the therapyhave a big drink !!




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #299 
jmaxg
Contributor

I am in another forum and they are a bunch of idiots.

I have to come here for some sort of relief.




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #300 
jmaxg
Contributor

Actually, YOU guys need to know about the fight TABBTOES had with Jo Brand.

The temperature literally dropped and things iced up as two enormously territorial walruses poised for battle.

In the History Of The Planet, I cannot come up with a more violent time.

Immediately after that, they brewed some tea and made scones.




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Tue 1 Nov 16 #301 
jmaxg
Contributor

Jo Brand: "You're an asshole. But please move so I can check it out for myself."

Now THAT is feminist comedy.




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #302 
tallyho
Contributor

 

I am hardly a newbie, but I am rather quiet at times!   Welcome all newcomers!   Greetings from beautiful Sarasota, FL #ilivewhereyouvacation.   Real name Jen and proud Mom of Sammi who turned me on to this site a long time ago!   She was still in high school at that time and now our little Sammi is getting married!   Wow how time flies!

As for my drink of choice...these days it's a god flavorable beer.   Love those dark British brews!  So what are ya pouring Tabby!

 

 




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #303 
Ruby Franks
Contributor

Tally, I didn't know those things about you.

Congratulations to everybody.




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #304 
Ruby Franks
Contributor

I hope there's some decent champagne available,




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #305 
TABBYTOES
Contributor

tallyho atlast awoman of taste and congratulations to Sammi xx

 




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #306 
chooky
Contributor

How lovely!!  Congratulations to you and your Sammi  : D
Don't forget to stop in for a drink after the ceremony and let us know all about it. xx




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Wed 2 Nov 16 #307 
JMK
Editor

So lovely to hear news from Sammi, pass on my congratulations to her.




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Thu 3 Nov 16 #308 
tallyho
Contributor

Thanks all!   I will certainly let you all know!   We have time...Fall of 2018!   That is good as I am jumping across the pond and singing in England next summer!   Most of the week in Bristol...and a Thursday evening singing at Westminster Abbey.   I heard that is a small little country church!   Lol. 

Cheers all!




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Thu 3 Nov 16 #309 
Ruby Franks
Contributor

Wow.

I've had to visit Bristol a couple of times recently, I hadn't been for about 20 years, I used to like it and still do. I hope you'll have time to visit Bath, it's a tourist trap but deservedly so.

Westminster Abbey? What's that?

Wow.




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Thu 3 Nov 16 #310 
Nemesis (online)
Editor

Used to work in Bristol twenty-odd years ago.  Couldn't park my car then, and it's even worse now!  But don't let me put you off tallyho, the whole of the dock area has been made into a very attractive feature and there are plenty of interesting things to see in the City and the surrounding countryside.  If you like cider you should go to the Coronation Tap in Clifton.  Cider is all it sells, and it has countless varieties.  A warning to Americans though, cider has alcohol in it, and usually lots!

 




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #311 
JMK
Editor

That is awesome tallyho.




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #312 
jmaxg
Contributor

We remember Sammi from the old days.......even then as a teenager, she had the intelligence and showed a lady of wit, timing and a love of comedy who was perfectly prepared to be the straight guy in the interests of a good joke or funny scenario.

Please pass along the blessings of Java and jmaxg.

We miss her dearly but life goes on.




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #313 
sally906
Contributor

I need a bucket!

 

No make that TWO buckets!!!

 

Now - open the wine fridge and fill the buckets up with whatever red comes to hand - as many bottles as it takes - both of them!!!

 

And a straw and pretty paper umberella!!!

 

What's the emergency?  Grandchildren!!!!  In charge of the little demons tonight and if I can't drink wine - then I'll indulge virtually!!!

 

(and no I never drink any form of alchohol when grandies around)




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #314 
jmaxg
Contributor

Give this woman alcohol........STAT!

Try not to give it to the young'uns. But if it happens, keep a video-recorder or smart phone handy.

That shit is hilarious!




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #315 
jmaxg
Contributor

Spaces! So many spaces!




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #316 
jmaxg
Contributor

Does anyone know there is a difference between spaces and paragraphs?




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Fri 4 Nov 16 #317 
tallyho
Contributor

Spaces has 5 letters and paragraphs have 10.  Jmaxg..I will be glad to send your good wishes off to Sammi.   She needs to come visit especially now that she old enough to drink at the bar!

 

 

 




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Sun 6 Nov 16 #318 
jmaxg
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I know this sounds awfully cliche. But she would not have turned out so great if it weren't for you.

Just accept it, be proud and move on.




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Sat 26 Nov 16 #319 
jmaxg
Contributor

To the rest of us......we wish.




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