Jones and Palin
Bishop: "'Oh Mr Belpit your legs are so swollen' ... swollen .. 'Oh Mr Belpit - oh Mr Belpit your legs are so swollen'. (tries a different voice) 'Oh Mr Belpit., .'"
Chairman: "Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral problems raised by the law enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard."
Inspector: "I suggest you murdered your father for his seat reservation." Tony: "I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it." Jasmina: "The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car." John: "It's a standing buffet only." Tony: "Oh, er... did I say the 8.13? I meant the 7.58 stopping train."
" I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like you for breakfast."
"We have a lot of problems here with bogus psychiatrists … This is my Psychiatric Club tie, and as you can see the cufflinks match … And a letter here from my mother in which she asks how the psychiatry is going, and I think you'll realize that the one person you can't fool is your mother."
"Wasn't he great my boy? 2nd Assistant: He was great, Mr Gabriello. Mr Gabriello: The way he kept fighting after his head came off! 2nd Assistant: He was better when the head came off, Mr Gabriello."
I'm sick of all this bloody fighting. If it's not the bloody Treaty of Utrecht it's the bloody binomial theorem. This isn't the senior common room at All Souls, it's the bloody coal face.
And now I must come to the jury. What can I say. I've dragged you in here, day after day, keeping you away from your homes, your jobs, your loved ones, just to hear the private details of my petty atrocities.
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! ... "You have been found not gillcup of the charges brought against you and may leave this court a free man."
I inherited this religion from my father, an ex-used-car salesman and part-time window-box, and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts.
The daffy exploits of the RAMC training school. He's in charge of a group of mad medicos, and when they run wild it's titty jokes galore.
Ximinez: "Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. FOUR counts!. Do you confess?" Old Lady: "I don't understand what I'm accused of." Ximinez: "Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!"
Nid: "I don't suppose you have any general surveys of English Church architecture?" Shop Assistant: "No, it's not really our line, sir." Nid: "No, I see. Well, never mind I'll just take the 'Lord Lieutenant in Nylons' then, and these two copies of 'Piggie Parade'. Thank you."
First Planner: "I've got it. We can retitle the repeats." Second Planner: "What ... give them different names?" Chief Executive: "Wouldn't that mean retitling them?" Third Planner: "Brilliant!"
Voice Over: "Well they're under starter's orders for this very valuable Queen Victoria Handicap. And they're off, (the starting stall doors fly open; out come eight identically dressed Queen Victorias who go bustling off up the field) and Queen Victoria got a clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria."
Woman: "There's another dead bishop on the landing, Vicar Sergeant." Church Policeman: "Detective Parson madam. Suffragan or diocesan?" Woman: "How should I know?" Church Policeman: "It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?" Woman: "Yes." Church Policeman: "Dissssgusting! Right! The hunt is on! (kneels) Oh Lord, we beseech thee. Tell us who croaked Leicester."
Compere: "Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!"
Sergeant: "What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?" Soldier: "Can't we do something else?" Other Soldier: "Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?" Sergeant: "Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me!"
Padre, entering the sketch: "Sorry, I'm late, Headmaster - I've been wrestling with Plato." Headmaster: "What you do in your own time, Padre, is written on the wall in the vestry."
Sir William, President of Society: "...In this last year our Staffordshire branch has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another (shame!). Therefore I call upon our Staffordshire delegate to explain this weird behaviour." Mr Cutler: "Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um ... well, Mr Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel... the whole thing's a bit silly."
Chief Constable: "Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun?" Attila the Hun: "That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born."
Vera, an adulterous wife, tangles with her many boyfriends who have clambered through her bedroom window and are fighting next to her bed. Husband: "What's happening, Vera?" Vera: "Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window." Husband: "Righto!" (he goes back to sleep)
Commentator: "Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140, and then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second wicket stand of nought, which was broken by Odinga in his most hostile mood..." (cut to a bowler thundering towards the wicket.....as he reaches the crease he produces a spear and raises it to shoulder height and hurls it)
Pither, the cyclist (Voice Over): "August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed."
Voice Over : "This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing!"
Presenter: "A very good try there, by the Garibaldi family of Droitwich in Worcestershire. Professor?" (Pull out further to pick up a panel of three distinguished rather academic looking people.) Professor: "Well, I can't make up my mind about this family... I don't think there was the sustained awfulness that we really need. I mean, the father was appalling..." (Two other members of the panel nod vigourous agreement.) Lady Organs: "Appalling... yes ...." Professor: "He was dirty, smelly and distasteful ... and I liked him very much ... but..." Presenter: "Lady Organs?" Lady Organs: "Well ... they were an unpleasant farally certainly, but I don't think we had enough of the really gross awfulness that we're looking for..." Presenter: "Well, harsh words therefor the Garibaldi family of Droitwich in Worcestershire, at present holders of the East Midlands Most Awful Faafily Award - Lower Middle-Class Section but unable today to score more than fifteen on our disgustometer. Well with the scores all in from the iudges, the Garlbaldis are number three ... and a surprise number two ... the Fanshaw-Churnleighs of Berkshire..." (cut to a very elegant breakfast table in beautifully tasteful surroundings. Four upper-class folk - two woman and two men - are talking most incredibly loudly at each other, with quite appalling accents. An appalling din altogether. They talk just about at the same time as each other) First Person: "What a super meal! Second Person: "Absolutely super! Pat and Max are coming down from Eton to help daddy count money." Third Person: "How absolutely super!"
Comentator: "Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders...."
Compare: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the refreshment room here at Bletchley. (applause) My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compere for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the refreshment room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. (applause) And tonight we have one such artist. (grovelling) Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. (applause) A man, well more than a man, a god (applause), a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. (by now on his knees) Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same Stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink." Voice Off Stage: "He can't come!" Compare: "Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees."
Man: "Trouble at mill." Woman: "Oh no - what kind of trouble?" Man: "One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle." Woman: "Pardon?" Man: "One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle." Woman: "I don't understand what you're saying." Man: (slightly irritably and with exaggeratedly clear accent) "One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle." Woman: "Well what on earth does that mean?" Man: "I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition." (JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang) Ximinez: "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our TWO weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our THREE weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our FOUR...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt) Man: (looking confused) "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition...."
(Victor and Iris are having a romantic evening together) Victor: "Who can that be?" Arthur: "Hello!.....Remember me?...In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?" Victor: "No, I don't I'm afraid." Arthur: "...Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening." Victor: "Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening." (The doorbell goes again) Victor: "Who the hell... " Brian: "Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold." Audrey: "Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..." (doorbell sounds more and more frequently)
Waiter: (coming to table) "Oh, Mr Willimas, it's so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?" Timmy: "Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. (signs) Just two lovely coffees, please." (Director comes in.) Director: "Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?" Timmy: "It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me." (We see a film camera and the whole crew gathered round.) Clapper Boy: " 'The Wonderful Mr Williams', scene 239, take 2." Director: "Action!"
Landlady: "Oh, you must be tired. It's a long way from Coventry, isn't it?" Johnson: "Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with the 25 minute stop at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; and we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich." Landlady: "Really?" Johnson: "Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see, just before Bridgewater." Landlady: "Yeah. Really?"
Interviewer: "...you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab." Pepperpots: "It's true, we can't. No."
Mum: "He's had a hard day dear... his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow." Ken: "Oh that's good." Dad: "Good? Good?? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris... back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug-addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer· That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!" Mum: "Oh, don't shout at the boy, father." Dad: "Aye, 'ampstead wasn't good enough for you, was it? ... you had to go poncing off to BarnsIey, you and yer coal-mining friends." (spits)
Captain: "Do not rush for the lifeboats - remember, women and children first." First Officer (wearing red indian outfit): "And red indians!" Captain: "What did you have to get dressed up like that for?" First Officer: "It was the only thing left." Captain: "Oh. All right. (into the PA) Women, children and Red Indians... " Second Officer: "And spacemen!"
Voice Over: "And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From Emily Brontë's 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code'. Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'."
Sergeant: "Got a family of your own 'ave you?" Jenkins: "No, she's ... she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen ... she .. I got a letter..." Sergeant: "You don't have to tell me, son." Jenkins: "No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this place..." (Cut to long shot of bunker. Floor manager strides on to set.) Floor Manager: "Hold it. Hold it. Look, loves ... can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set. (he starts to herd out anyone not in First War costume) Now! Come on please. Anyone not concerned in this scene, the canteen's open upstairs. (sheikh, male mermaid etc. troop off) Now come on please. (to soldiers) Sorry loves. Sorry. We'll have to take it again, from the top. All fight. OK... Cue!"
Tonight I want to examine the whole question of eighteenth-century social legislation - its relevance to the hierarchical structure of post-Renaissance society, and its impact on the future of parochial organization in an expanding agrarian economy. But first a bit of fun. Cut to film of eight-second striptease.
The battle raged long and hard, but as night fell Sidney overcame the Spaniards. 6,000 copies of 'Tits and Bums' and 4,000 copies of 'Shower Sheila' were seized that day. The tide of Spanish porn was stemmed. Sir Philip Sidney returned to London in triumph.
Starting only with a theory, Mr Norris set out to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr Norris's 'A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Purley and Esher' had become a best-selling minor classic in the car-swapping belt.
And that's the final entry. La dernière entrée. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores!
“I want you to fly this plane to Luton ... please … I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden? … well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to Luton.”
I warn this programme that any recurrence of this sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarism will be dealt with most severely.
There is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- ... aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm
“I see, well, you want our 'Life and Soul of the Party' tape then, I think … it's sort of 'Ello squire, haven't seen you for a bit, haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. Two pints of wallop please, love. Still driving the Jensen then? Cheer up Jack it may never happen, what's your poison then?'”
Zorba: "Yes, the mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what." Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting!" Mr Jalin: "Ought not to be allowed." Zorba: "The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. How am I doing?" Mrs Jalin: "Disgusting." Mr Jalin: "But more interesting."
Son: "Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs Nigger-Baiter." Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Ooh, he's walking already!" Mrs Shazam: "Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . ." Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Hello, coochy coo..." Mrs Shazam: "Hello, hello..." (they tickle him under the chin) Mrs Nigger-Baiter: "Oochy coochy. (the son smiles a little tight smile) Look at him laughing... ooh, he's a chirpy little fellow. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow ... eh? eh? Does he talk Does he talk, eh?" Son: "Of course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development."
Voice Over: "The local Council here have over fifty hypnosis-induced twenty-five storey blocks, put up by El Mystico and Janet. I asked Mr Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis compared to other building methods." Mr Verybigliar: "Well there is a considerable financial advantage in using the services of El Mystico. A block, like Mystico Point here, (indicating a high-rise block behind him) would normally cost in the region of one-and-a-half million pounds. This was put up for five pounds and thirty bob for Janet."
Crime Boss: "Right ... this is the plan then.....At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic....All right, any questions?" Larry: "We don't seem to be doing anything illegal." Boss: "What do you mean?" Larry: "Well ... we're paying for the watch."
Enid, looking discreetly through curtain: "Who's that shouting?" Gladys: "It's a man outside Number 24." Enid: "Try it on the five inch, Gladys." Gladys: (looking at the array of telescopes) "I can't. I've got that fixed on the Baileys at Number 13. Their new lodger moves in today." Enid: All right, hold 13 on the five-inch and transfer the Cartwrights to the digital scanner."