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Cleese and Palin


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Art Gallery/Art Critic
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
"Yes take my word for it, Marge. Kevin's eaten most of the early nineteenth-century British landscape artists, and I've learned not to worry. As a matter of fact, I feel a bit peckish myself."
Attila the Nun
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
"Yes, it's Attila the Nun … A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality."
Boxing Tonight - Jack Bodell VS. Sir Kenneth Clark
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
"Jack Bodel has defeated Sir Kenneth Clark in the very first round here tonight and so this big Lincolnshire heavyweight becomes the new Oxford Professor of Fine Art."
Camp Square-bashing
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
The Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.
Come Back to My Place
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Do you want to come back to my place?
Dead Parrot
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker.This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
Derby Council Vs. All Blacks Rugby Match
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All Blacks. Cliff: Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so far. They missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society, which must have cost them the match and then of course there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy Department ...
Pet Conversions
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
Customer wants a dog converted to a parrot....Shopkeeper: "Oh dear, it's a long job, you see - parrot conversion. Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ..." Customer: "You'd need a very big tank." Shopkeeper: "It's a great conversation piece." Customer: "Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch."
Repeating Groove
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Announcer: "Sorry about that. And now for something completely diff... (the film sticks and repeats the end of the sentence several times) something completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely diff... completely different."
Silly Disturbances (the Rev. Arthur Belling)
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Vicar: "...so I can go ahead and join you then? Can I?" Man and Woman: "Yes ... yes..." Vicar: "Won't be disturbing?" Man and woman: "No. No." Vicar: "Good, good. You're very kind. (he sits down) A lot of people are far less understanding than you are. A lot of people take offence even when I talk to them. (he makes strange gestures with his hands) Let alone when I specifically tell them about my being disturbing."
The Cheese Shop
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Customer choosing cheese: "Uuuuuh, Wensleydale?" Wenslydale: "Yes?" Customer: "Ah, well, I'll have some of that!" Wenslydale: "Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name." (pause) Customer: "Greek Feta?" Wenslydale: "Uh, not as such." Customer: "Gorgonzola?" Wenslydale: "nope..."
The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
Man's voice (broad Scottish accent): "Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?" Woman's voice: "I am!" (sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman)
The Man Who Says Words in the Wrong Order
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Dr. Thripshaw: "Come in." Burrows: "Can I down sit?" Dr. Thripshaw: "Certainly. (Burrows sits) Well, then?" Burrows: "Well, now, not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long. I'm going to come to point the straight immediately."
There's Been a Murder
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door) Muffin: "All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder." Mother: "A murder?" Muffin: "No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder only begins with B?" Son: "Birmingham?" Muffin: "No ... no ... no ... no ... no..." Doctor: "BurnIey?" Muffin: "Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley." Son: "Burglary?" Muffin: "Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary." Doctor: "Where?" Muffin: "In the back, just below the rib."
Fish License
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock!
Fish-slapping Dance
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Michael dances up and down before him to the jolly music of Edward German. Michael holds up two tiny fish and from time to time in the course of the dance he slaps John lightly across the cheeks with them.
Gumby Brain Specialist
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
No, no, I am not the brain specialist. No, no, I am not... Yes. Yes I am. "Surgeon: Gloves ... glasses... moustache... handkerchief... (Gumby voice) I'm going to operate!!"
Ken Shabby
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
She trains polecats, but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!
Live from the Grill-o-Mat Snack Bar, Paignton
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Well, those were the titles. And now for the first item this evening on the Menu - ha ha - the team have chosen as a little hors d'oeuvres an item - and I think we can be sure it won't be an ordinary item - in fact the team told me just before the show that anything could happen, and probably would - so let's have ... the item.
Long John Silver Impersonators Vs. Bournemouth Gynaecologists
   was performed by   
Chapman, Cleese and Palin
Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.
Neurotic Announcers
   was performed by   
Cleese and Palin
Voice Over: "Good evening, I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the BBC and I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of year, when things are a bit thin for us announcers ... um ... I don't know whether I should tell you this, but, well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. Things have been pretty awful at home. My wife, Josephine... 'Joe-jums' as I call her ... who is also an announcer..." Joe-jums: "Hello."






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