Chapman, Cleese and Idle
" So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now ... This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan … But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?"
First Man: "That was Wilkins." Second Man: "That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins." First Man: "Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next." Second Man: "Bet you it won't." First Man: "How much?" Second Man: "What?" First Man: "How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?" Second Man: "All right."
Interviewer: "Good morning." Candidate (Stig): "Good morning." Interviewer, writing: "Tell me why did you say 'good morning' when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?" Stig: "Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha." Interviewer, shaking head: "Good afternoon." Stig: "Ah, good afternoon?" Interviewer: "Oh dear! (writes again) Good evening." Stig: "... Goodbye?"
Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Tonight on 'Face the Press' we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things. On my left is the Minister for Home Affairs ... And on my right - putting the case against the Government - is a small patch of brown liquid ... (cut to patch of liquid on seat of chair) which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing.
“Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis … 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan … And now time for this week's request death.”
Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, ... but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
2nd Interviewer: I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie? Ross: Don't call me sweetie!! 2nd Interviewer: Can I call you sugar plum? Ross: No! 2nd Interviewer: Pussy cat? Ross: No. 2nd Interviewer: Angel-drawers?
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number -... breaks the ice at parties. ... Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up.
Mr Man applying at Mary (Army) Recruiting: "Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice ... I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps." R.S.M.: "Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards." Mr Man: "Which is all... men... I suppose?" R.S.M.: "Yes it is." Mr Man: "Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?" R.S.M.: "Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch."
Voice Over: "But the hunt is not over. With well practiced skill Hank skins the mosquito. (Hank produces an enormous curved knife and begins to start skinning the tiny mosquito) The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can in fact fetch anything up to .08 of a penny on the open market. (shot of them walking, carrying weapons) The long day is over and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. (inside villa; Hank is cleaning bazooka) Here, surrounded by their trophies Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt!"